Event Date: Sunday, May 18th, 2008
Theme Song: Ignite - "Bullets Included, No Thought Required"
The arena unexpectedly descends into total darkness, sparking the crowd into an expectant frenzy. After a long moment of anticipation, "Piece of Me (Remix)" by Britney Spears pulses through the sound system, accompanied by an image of Morgana in all of her pink-haired glory, which overtakes the screen.
The crowd cheers at nearly deafening decibels as hot pink and gold fireworks explode down the ramp, prompting Morgana to saunters out from backstage. Wearing a miniscule pink and black skort, black fishnets, knee-high boots and a tight black tank top, her long hair pulled into two loose braids, Morgy slowly makes her way toward the ring, blowing kisses to fans in the front row as she does so, her every step accompanied by another explosion of fireworks.
i'm miss lifestyles of the rich and famous
i'm miss oh my god, that morgy's shameless
i'm miss extra, extra, this just in
i'm miss she's too big now she's too thin
As she walks down, she turns around and watches as Betsy the Goat also walks out, getting a similar cheer from the audience. Both Morgy and Betsy enter the ring, with Morgy huffing and puffing by lifting her new pet inside. When ready, she hops onto the ring apron, slingshots herself inside by leaping over the ropes and then removes her Television Title. After requesting the microphone, she removes her title, holds it high, getting agrand ovation, and then lays it across her left shoulder.
Morgana: Hello.
Morgana receives a mega-pop.
Morgana: As you all know, tonight's show is being made by me.
Again, another massive cheer ensues.
Morgana: And goddamnit, I...
Betsy snorts, prompting Morgy to look down at her. In doing so, Morgy removes a sheet of paper from Betsy's mouth.
Morgana: Err... we have a great show lined up for you tonight. In fact, starting things off, I want some blood. I want some bloody cocks, to be exact. That's why I've put Augustus Cross against Gorgio in a Lightbulbs and Underwear match!
Another pop from the crowd.
Morgana: Both men -- or whatever Gorgio is -- will have to wrestle in their actual underwear... in a ring that's surrounded by glass bulbs. You can smash and bash these bulbs off each other's head... or they can eat the bulbs, I don't really care. as long as someone walks out of the match, moving themselves on to the next round of the Ultraviolence Tournament, I'll be happy.
Morgana continues reading from the sheet of paper she removed from Betsy's mouth.
Morgana: We'll also have a leather-strap match! In this bout, Roxy Erikson, who is probably fresh out of rehab... or the gutter, either/or; will take on everyone's favorite crusty, foul-smelling, woman-bashing old man, Chris Carson. For those with a good memory, it was "The Creep" that actually put Roxy out of action by exchanging her coke with baking soda.
A mixed ovation is sent in.
Morgana: I know, it's a motherbitch.
She flips through her sheet some more and continues.
Morgana: Does anyone like supermarkets?!
Random fans hoot and holler... no reason why, they just do.
Morgana: Good! Because in the second Ultraviolence Tournament match, we're having a supermarket match! It'll have Booger, Mike Phantasy and Tony Millennia, as long as he stays awake long enough!
More fans yell out.
Morgana: Oh, and I also have Jay getting naked.
A bunch of male fans roar out in applause, popping erections all over the place.
Morgana: Everyone get your hand out of your pants because she will also be taking on a naked Sebastian York.
The sounds of thousands of women orgasming is simultaneously heard all over Germany, Europe and the entire world.
Morgana: Everyone likes nudity, right?
The fans chant "Show your tits!" in response.
Morgana: Sure!
Responding to the fans request, Morgana bends over and begins showing off Betsy's udders.
Morgana: Tits for everyone!
A disappointed crowd hushes down, whereas Morgy perks back up, finishing off her list of assigned matches. She clears her throat...
Morgana: Ahem. Anyhow, for my final match, we're going to have jello. Lots and lots of tasty jello. Jello will be everywhere... in the ring, on the mat, i Andrew Hurley's soggy vagina... everywhere! Why? Because my lady-pal, Stevie Swing, and her stalk.... errr... her admirer, Chris Staggs, will be teaming up to take on the team of Andrew "Emaciated" Hurley and Declan "Did I mention I'm World Champion?" Turner!
As Declan and Hurley have their names read, a wash of jeers pour out from the fans.
Morgana: Yeah, I know they're real douchebags.
About to finish up, wishing to exit the ring with Betsy, Morgana is cut off-guard by the sound of "Rock Superstar" by Cypress Hill playing on the speakers. Making his way out, with a microphone in hand, is Casanova, who calmly paces towards the ring, sliding inside, where he stands in front of Morgy.
Morgana: And what do you want, Count Chocula?
Holding the microphone up to his mouth, Casanova arrogantly grins, feigning laughter.
Casanova: Heh... funny.
He looks down at Betsy and pats her playfully on the head.
Casanova: Why am I out here? Well, let's see... you're running things tonight, making matches left-and-right... I'm without a match, sooo...
With the fans listening intently to each word that he speaks, he begins to request a match.
Casanova: I'm thinking you and I have a little match.
The fans instantly applaud this. Morgana, not one to back down from a challenge, speaks up.
Morgana: You want a match against me? You've got it.
Casanova: For the title?
Morgana: For the title.
Casanova: Good... because I can beat you with one arm tied behind my back.
Just as abrupt as his entrance, Casanova throws down his microphone and goes to exit the ring. As he goesto hop off the ring apron, Morgana again speaks up.
Morgana: One arm tied behind your back, eh? Hmmm...
This prompts Casanova to turn around, still with a curious smile on his face.
Morgana: Sounds good to me. And just to even things up, I'll put my arm behind my back, too. It's settled you-and-I... tonight... for the Television Title... with one arm tied behind our back. You're on.
Nodding his head in approval, Casanova gladly hops off the apron and walks to the back, with the fans cheering on the idea of the match. With "Rock Superstar" leading Casanova to the back, Morgana begins exiting the ring, taking both Betsy and her Television Title with her.
Lightbulbs & Underwear Match
Gorgio circles around, cautiously toying with those lightbulbs, when "Say Hello" by Jay-Z sounds on, interrupting Gorgio's preening. This brings out Augustus Cross, fresh off a victory at Over The Top Rope 4, headed straight to the ring, where he watches Gorgio tip-toe back and forth, ready to wrestle.
However, a wrestling match isn't what happens. Just as Augustus Rolls into the ring, wearing his tightie-whities, he grabs one of the lightbulbs on the ground and charges at Gorgio with it. In a matter of seconds, Gorgio is busted open, thanks to Augustus Cross blasting him across the forehead with a glass lightbulb!
Shards of glass spill everywhere, as Augustus hovers over Gorgio, who holds his face, wiping some blood off his brow. Augustus is quick to take advantage over this, as he begins to mercilessly stomp and kick at Gorgio, disabling him from standing, even picking him up, only to powerslam him down onto a horde of lightbulbs!
After ripping Gorgio off the canvas, having flesh tear off his back as he is pulled away from the glass, Augustus Cross points to the corner, where lightbulbs are glued to a wooden board. With gusto, Augustus Irish-whips Gorgio relentlessly into the corner, having him smash harshly against the lightbulbs, smashing both them and the wooden board!
A cloud of broken glass dust is left behind, thanks to Gorgio's back and rear-end smashing into the corner, giving Augustus the perfect opportunity to turn around and grab the wiffle-bat. Holding it high in the air, Augustus charges towards Gorgio, aims the end with the lightbulb on it towards his opponent and swings at Gorgio's stomach, hitting a homerun into his gun! The glass smashes against Gorgio's stomach, allowing him to crumple to the ground, holding his bloody stomach, while a trickle of blood flows down his back.
Having watched Gorgio roll around in pain, in the shards of glass, no less; Augustus steps into the corner, watching as his man-pretty opponent slowly rises to his feet. As he goes to move in, Gorgio responds by picking up another lightbulb and trying to smash it against Augustus' skull, only to meet utter failure.
Instead, Augustus grabs the lightbulb out of Gorgio's hand, holds it up and then forcefully smashes it against Gorgio's very own skull, splattering him back down onto the canvas. From here, Augustus casually walks around the ring, stopping every few seconds to hit Gorgio with some more stomps, even adding insult to injury by applying an STF to Gorgio, as he lays in his own blood and broken glass.
After some time, Augustus stands up, grabs another lightbulb and pulls down Gorgio's pink underwear. From here, he shoves the lightbulb inside of Gorgio's rectum, slaps him across the back of his bloody head and then picks up the red wiffle-bat. Seconds later, Augustus Cross swings the bat, striking the lightbulb and smashes it into Gorgio's asshole, bloodying his rear-end up even more than Gorgio's first anal sex experience.
Yelling out in pain, Gorgio spins around while holding his ass, and turns directly into the "Ungodliness", a reverse-Russian legsweep, into the other lightbulbs-glued-onto-wooden boards! Absolutely crushing and bloodying his competition, Augustus sprawls across Gorgio...
...1...2...3!
Once the referee makes the three-count, Augustus Cross stands to his feet, dusts off his hands and then spits on Gorgio. Before he exits the ring, Augustus picks up one more lightbulb and then smashes it across Gorgio.
Having Gorgio's blood on his hands, Augustus Cross smirks, exits the ring and calmly walks to the back. Gorgio, on the other hand, is bleeding like a pig.
Winner: Augustus Cross
The hard opening of "Whisper" by Evanescence plays overhead as the lights fade out with just a few hues of gold and red piercing through. Soon enough, Devon D'Andre walks out, wearing a hood, ready for action. As he walks to the ring, he pulls down his hood, slides inside, glares at Carrick and then waits for his match to start.
The bell rings and the match begins with both competitors moving toward each other. At first, they attempt to feel each other out, looking for an opening in the other. When they lock-up, it's Devon D'Andre gaining the upperhand by using his left knee to strike Carrick in the gut.
Devon begins striking with mixed left-and-right handed punches, knocking Carrick into the ropes, allowing him to whip Carrick across the ring. Rebounding back with full force, Carrick ducks beneath an attempted-clothesline from Devon, giving him the chance to jump onto the middle rope and springboard back with a back-elbow. Unfortunately for him, Devon notices this attempt, allowing him to safely duck beneath the shot.
Turning around, Devon strikes with some kicks to Carrick's gut, coupling those with some chops to the chest. Knocked into the corner via some forearms, Carrick is whipped across the ring, resulting in Devon charging in from the other corner. Storming inside, Devon strikes with a vicious running-forearm into the corner, which absolutely rocks Carrick out of his mind.
Furthermore, Devon turns Carrick around, knees him in the kidney section and pushes him front-first against the turnbuckle pads. Climbing onto the middle rope, hovering over Carrick, Devon begins unloading with rapid-fire forearms, which trounce Carrick's head/face off the top turnbuckle pad. Bending over, he grabs onto Carrick's face, placing him into a reverse-facelock and then drops backward, hitting a reverse Tornado DDT!
Devon is quick to apply a side-headlock, trying to wear Carrick down even further, but despite being held onto for a few minutes, Carrick tries to fight back. Using his elbows, Carrick strikes Devon in the stomach, eventually freeing himself, enabling him to bounce off the ropes, duck beneath a clothesline attempt and then turn around and dropkick Devon D'Andre!
Rather instantly, both men pop back up, with Carrick armdragging Devon over, hoping to go on a full-out attack. Carrick is quickly taken aback, though; when Devon kicks him in the kneecap and follows up with a twisting Uranage! To add further punishment, Devon waits for Carrick to get to a kneeling position and then charges out and strikes with a Shining Wizard onto Carrick, absolutely devastating him!
On the outside, Kaylie Vaughn watches in terror, as Devon begins to call for the end for Carrick. Devon pulls Carrick in and holds him up into a vertical suplex position, presumably to hit a Falcon Arrow. Thankfully for Carrick's agility, he is able to use this momentum to completely flip around and land successfully on his feet. In a reversal of fortune, Carrick uses this momentum to then leap into the air and connect with a climbing-enziguiri to Devon's skull, knocking him onto the canvas!
Using all he can, Carrick rolls onto Devon, looking for the pinfall. His wife cheers him on, while the referee begins to count...
...1...2...
At exactly the count of two, Devon D'Andre kicks out, keeping the match going!
Upset at the lack of a pinfall, Carrick Devlin stands to his feet, taking Devon up with him. After some forearms of his own, Carrick goes to whip Devon into the corner...
...but the whip gets reversed.
Alternatively, Devon whips Carrick Devlin into the far corner and quickly charges in after him. As he nears, however; Carrick ducks down, vaulting Devon over the top rope and onto the apron. Immediately turning around, Carrick goes to follow up, only to be met with a hard right hand from Devon, which staggers him back into the center of the ring.
Just as quickly as he strikes Carrick, Devon slingshots himself back into the ring, lands on the middle rope and quickly springboards back off, catching Devlin's head in mid-air, spins out and then plants him with a swinging-DDT!
Devon D'Andre immediately tries for a pinfall...!
...1...2...
Just in the nick of time, Carrick Devlin kicks out, continuing the match, much to the chagrin of Devon D'Andre, who slaps the mat in angst.
Lifting Carrick up, Devon strikes with some repeated knee and foot strikes. Winding up, Devon tries for another crescent kick, only to have his right foot caught by Carrick. With nowhere else to go, Devon goes for an enziguiri... only to completely miss!
Trying to turn things in his favour, Carrick quickly lifts Devon back up, even placing him on his shoulders with a standing fireman's carry, despite Devon's best efforts at trying to thwart it. After a pair of elbows to the side of Carrick's head, Devon manages to slip behind his opponent, where he applies a waistlock and then pushes him towards the ropes, where they bounce back, with Devon going for a "O'Connor Roll" pinfall...
The referee notices this rollup attempt and makes the count...
...1...2...
Again, Carrick kicks out and pops back to his feet, only to have Devon charge at him, with his arm extended, looking for a lariat. Ducking beneath this attempt, Carrick turns around, kicks Devon in the midsection and goes for a powerbomb, only to have Devon roll out of it and land safely on his feet.
After a quick slap to the face, Devon grabs both of Carrick's arms, crosses them in front of his chest, lifts him and then drives him down with a cross-arm brainbuster! With Carrick in perfect position, this allows for Devon to walk into the corner, climb the ropes and measure Carrick up.
When the time is right, Devon jumps off the top rope, hitting the "Valhalla", a twisting 450 degree splash!
With a hook of the leg later, Devon makes the pin...
...1...2...3!
Just like that, the match is over and Devon D'Andre is the victor. Standing back, he has his hand raised by the referee, knowing that he will be moving onto greater things within Sin Wrestling. As he exits the ring, he looks on as Kaylie Vaughn Devlin rolls inside and checks on the well-being of her husband.
Suffice to say, he is quite groggy.
Winner: Devon D'Andre
In one of the pubs in town, real close to the action, we zoom in on the back of a beat-up black T-shirt, dirty blonde hair curled over the shoulders. The back of the shirt? Pretty damned simple--a hearty "FUCK YOU" in red letters. Chris Carson swigs at his beer, then chews at a nice slab of steak.
Chris Carson: Mmph. Now that's how I like it. Red meat, cigarette smoke, hops you can practically chew...this is a a bar no one gives a fuck in.
Next to him, however...a smaller body. Real small. In fact, the kid is barely able to sit on his stool. Suppose it makes sense that Carson would bring his own kid to a bar before he even becomes three. Chris Jr. coughs to himself, all while trying to drink milk from a sippy cup.
Chris Jr.: Daddy, it's...*cough*...smoky.
Chris Carson: I know it's smoky, son. That's cigarette smoke. Get used to it. Real men smoke cigs and stogies. And don't you forget that shit.
Chris Jr.: Huh? What's "shit", Daddy?
Carson burps to himself, after taking a second swig.
Chris Carson: You'll find out when you're older, Junior. Drink your cow juice.
Chris Jr.: But I wanna know nooooooow!
Chris Jr. stands up onto his stool and starts to tug at Carson's arm. He finally turns to face his son, grumpy as hell. He makes Chris Jr. sit down with a tug in return.
Chris Carson: Fine. You wanna know? I'll tell you. Shit is what we call people who do bad things to your Dad. People who stink.
Chris Jr. looks lost.
Chris Carson: Doodoo-heads.
Chris Jr.: Oh! Doodie-heads!
Carson reaches into his pocket to remove something. He clears his throat and spits into the sheet, then lays it down on the counter. How nice...a picture of Sebastian York, riddled with knife marks. The picture, that is, not York.
Chris Carson: This is shit. Remember it. Whenever you see this guy, wherever you see him, call him a "piece of shit". That's your lesson for the day. See, Daddy hates shit like him, 'cause he cheated your Daddy out of something very important.
Carson would add that York cheated him out of the chance to kick the shit out of someone else...but that would confuse the little tyke.
Chris Jr.: So doodie-heads are shit?
Chris Carson: You got it, son. Don't you forget...
Carson suddenly feels a finger tap his shoulder. He harumphs to himself and tries to ignore the fact that two *built* Germans are looking for a seat.
German Thug #1: Ja, girlie man. Why don't you und your pipsqueak kid get lost?
German Thug #2: Ja, we wants a bier, prissy American girl-boy. Tell your boy to get off of dat chair. I wants to sit my ass down. And it's much more firm and muscular dan yours.
Carson crumples the picture in his fist.
Chris Carson: Son, what did I tell you to call people that get mad at your Dad?
Chris Jr. jumps up onto his feet and points at the two big men.
Chris Jr.: Piece of shit! Piece of shit! You are piece of shit!
Both German gay lovers bodybuilders are shocked.
Thug #1: What you say!
Carson turns quickly and crashes his beer glass against the side of one thug's head, flooring him like a wet mop. While Chris Jr. hops onto the bar and jumps up and down, clapping, Carson winds up and kicks the other right between the legs, making the entire bar wince and hold their crotches. The thug goes crosseyed and falls to his knees.
Thug #2: But...da steroids was supposed to make our testicles disappear...
Carson grumps to himself, half-drunk.
Chris Carson: Now get off the bar, Junior. 'Fore you get hurt.
Carson lights up another cigarette, all while Chris Jr. scampers after him, calling everyone he can see...
Chris Jr.: Piece of shit!
Chris Carson: This is gonna be a hell of a long month...
Fade out.
We see Chris Staggs standing at the turnstile where the crowd is entering as he is holding out a bucket with a sign that reads “For Delcan Turner’s memorial” A few fans give Chris Staggs some money as he begins to grin big. He turns and walks to his left as we see Mr. Binky: the teddy bear with a bucket which has a sign on it too that reads “Feed Andrew Hurley”
Chris Staggs: Dude I already got like ten dollars for Delcan’s memorial. How much have you gotten?
Mr. Binky: ………….
Chris Staggs: Nothing? Dude do you want Sally Struthers to sponsor Andrew Hurley and charge us 89 cents a day?
Mr. Binky: …………..
Chris Staggs: Well get him some money for food.
Chris Staggs turns around as he bumps into Augustus Cross.
Chris Staggs: Would you like to donate to Delcan Turner’s memorial?
Augustus Cross: Are you fucking kidding me?
Chris Staggs: No, death is a kidding matter.
Augustus Cross rolls his eyes.
Chris Staggs: What about Feed Andrew Hurley
Augustus Cross looks at the bucket Chris Staggs is holding as he reaches in a grabs the money.
Augustus Cross: I need to borrow this. I will be right back.
Chris Staggs: FO SHO!
Augustus Cross walks off as he stuffs the money in his pocket as Chris Staggs looks back at Mr. Binky.
Mr. Binky: …………
Chris Staggs: What do you mean he isn’t going to pay me back? He is good for his word.
Chris Staggs stands there as he waits for Augustus Cross to return as he never does.
The lights dim into a bloody red glow, then throb to life with a guitar riff like an alarm. Pyro fires off in red flares. As the song evolves into a rhythmic drumbeat and bass line, a haunted version of Queens of the Stone Age’s "Sick, Sick, Sick", Chris Carson comes out with a purpose, accompanied by his son, little Chris. Carson jaws with the audience, then slides slowly into the ring, telling little Chris to wait outside the ring. The lights go completely red, bathing Carson in electric blood, and instead of acknowledging the crowd, Carson merely leans against the ropes and stares at Roxy Erikson.
The two finally approach each other, extending one arm each so the referee can tie them together with the leather strap. The moment it's tied, though; Roxy throws a handful of baking soda into Chris Carson's face!
Exacting some revenge, Roxy seems to have blinded "The Creep", allowing her to trip him up and deliver a barrage of stomps and fists to him, before throttling him with the strap for a few seconds. "The Creep" finally tosses her off, blindly flailing around for a moment before Roxy walks into a weak clothesline.
Realizing he can track her with the strap, Carson yanks her back to her feet and clobbers her with a hard lariat, before wrapping the strap around her neck and driving her to the mat with a neckbreaker!
He goes for the cover!
...1...2...
Roxy kicks out, and Carson is distracted by his son, who seems to be stealing signs from fans and getting close to getting his ass kicked for it. "The Creep" slides out of the ring to ward off the fans and yell at little Chris, before getting kicked in the head by Roxy, whom he dragged outside the ring as well via the strap!
Chris Carson staggers for a moment, before Roxy uses the strap to yank him into a collision with the ring post! As a result, "The Creep" seems stunned, as Roxy bangs his head off the ring steps again and again! She halts only because little Chris grabs her from behind to stop the beating, but she pushes him away carelessly, before turning back to Carson, but getting slugged upside the head!
Carson bangs her own head off the steps and rolls her back into the ring for the cover!
...1...2...
Just on the two count, Roxy gets a shoulder up, and as soon as "The Creep" gets up, she kicks him in the balls!
Carson is incensed as he collapses in a heap, as Roxy straddles him, stomping him in the chest over and over, before delivering a full on Bitch Fest with fists and nails delivered and raking Carson's face up and down! Dozens of little lines of blood open up on his face, before suddenly the bell rings, a dozen times in a row!
Roxy gets up and stares toward the sound in confusion, only to realize that it is little Chris who has taken the bell away from the official, and is running away with it, ringing it all the while! Roxy stares at him as he runs off, only to be crushed to the mat as she's yanked into a roundhouse punch to the jaw by Chris Carson!
She's completely staggered, and Carson yanks her up and into the air, before using the strap to aid a Ripcord Powerbomb! Roxy is out of it completely, but Carson twists her around and applies the Silencer anyway! The referee quickly checks, and calls for the bell...the real bell, as Roxy is unconscious!
"The Creep" finally releases the hold, and rips the strap free on his wrist. He looks around, before quickly sliding out of the ring, to follow wherever little Chris ran off to backstage.
Roxy Erikson slowly recovers, getting to a seated position in the middle of the ring, only to be blasted back to the mat by a low dropkick to her face by Keeley Powers, who ran in through the crowd!
Keeley leaps to the top rope, and as soon as Roxy gets to her feet, she's spun right back to the mat by the Hurricane Keeley! Keeley exits triumphantly, leaving Roxy Erikson unconscious in the middle of the ring!
The fans in attendance seem confused about what just occured, as they watch Roxy slowly rise inside the ring.
Winner: Chris Carson
Mike Phantasy is out on Schlossberg Street talking to a crowd of Germans that do not understand a word he is saying. He kisses their babies as they eye him strangely. He makes a promise to bomb Europe far better than Chris Extreme ever could. Then Augustus Cross shows up intentionally ruining a damn good speech.
Augustus Cross: What the hell is going on here? Why is that baby in your hand? Are you going to throw babies off balconies or at me?
Mike Phantasy: I will throw these babies at the terrorists that threaten this great nation of... wherever we are!
Augustus Cross: The way you hurled that rock at me got me thinking... You'll throw a hell of a ceremonial pitch when you get elected. Extreme throws underhand I bet. But you, overhand. He's got underhand tactics. You got overhand tactics…
Cross is interrupted…
Mike Phantasy: Who're you again?
Augustus Cross: I'm August Gross. I'm pretty good with a staple gun remember?
Mike Phantasy: Oh, right. You stapled that motherfucker Chris Extreme in the mouth. Nice going. Still, you haven't broken his cock like I have. And like I will break the cocks of the United Nations.
Augustus Cross: I thought you were Arran Hayden for a minute from real far away. But then I saw that bionic arm. No wonder you can break cocks in half. And hurl 100 mph fastballs with stones.
Mike Phantasy: I once threw a no-hitter in preschool with my hands tied behind my back, a slut on my cock, and some good old American apple pie in my mouth.
The crowd boos at the word American.
Augustus Cross: Oh yeah, one time... Oh fuck, I forgot the cool stories back in the U.S. of A.
The crowd nearly riots.
Mike Phantasy: Goddamn it, they've been doing this all over this shitty continent. What the fuck is their problem? I offer them baseballs, pies, grenades, and all I get is booed.
Augustus Cross: Maybe you should drop out of the race. Maybe this isn't your calling. Maybe you should buy a German Shepherd? Or drive a BMW off a cliff.
Mike Phantasy: Why would I... oh, you're being an asshole. Good American gimmick. Crowd takes out their German pitchforks.
Augustus Cross: Being an asshole. That's how dad did it. That's how America does it. That's how I'm going to do it... And it's going to work out pretty well.
Mike Phantasy: You probably stole that from an American-made movie; the greatest movies in the world. Hollywood, motherfuckers!
Augustus Cross: They don't know that. They don't get IRON MAN for like six months over here. It's totally a third world country. Why do you think they are listening to you?!
Mike Phantasy: What is that supposed to mean, you generic Jimmy Luciano, you?
Augustus Cross: I'll have you know Jimmy Luciano was one of the greatest ever. Who the fuck is Jimmy Luciano? Cross looks confused, can't recall ever hearing of a Jimmy Luciano.
Mike Phantasy: Don't worry about it.
Augustus Cross: Is this propaganda? Are you trying to brainwash me into believing there was a person actually named Jimmy Luciano? What a fucking stupid name! It kind of reminds me of your last name. Which brings me to a conclusion, you won't win the election on name recognition. You may want to change your name up. You're welcome for the free advice.
Mike Phantasy: I thank you for this advice, America thanks you for this advice, and this baseball thanks you for this advice.
Augustus Cross: Not thanking me for advice would be un-American! You should properly thank me the American way.
Out of nowhere AKA Mike Phantasy's hand, a baseball beans Augustus Cross in the nose, breaking it.
Augustus Cross: Where the fuck did he get a baseball from? Oh shit, my nose is broke.
Augustus Cross snaps his nose back into place while Mike Phantasy gives a very presidential thumbs-up as he winks at the camera. We fade away to an ad attacking presidential hopeful Chris Extreme's "Niggercide" policy and a Phantasize Your Vote logo, before the camera is blown up by a grenade.
Supermarket Match
Chickens... turkeys... watermelons... apples... celery... ice cream bars... it's all devoured by the mammoth Booger.
Mike Phantasy: There's that human waste, Booger. Now where's that other sleeping giant, Tony Millennia?
Speaking out loud, Mike continues to look around, looking to find Tony Millennia, the former World Champion. As he walks past Booger, his voice is overheard by the voracious, overweight, man-tittied beast.
Booger: Food!
Turning around, Booger creeps up behind Mike Phantasy, clubbing him across the back of the neck with a giant, cold turkey. This assault drops Mike hard on the floor, smashing his face across the floor. Seconds later, Booger stomps on Mike's back and then walks on Mike, stepping over him, placing all of his weight down onto his back and lungs.
Mike Phantasy: Ow! Ow! Jesus! Ow! Get off me!
Heeding to Phantasy's orders, Booger lifts him up, clubs him strongly against the chest and then heaves him into a freezer, smashing him against some ice cubes. Picking up the turkey, Booger goes to heave it at Mike, only to have Phantasy see it aimed towards him.
Mike Phantasy: Oh shhhii....
Using his right foot, Mike Phantasize/superkicks the turkey, sending it flying in the opposite direction.
Mike Phantasy: Phew.
Just then, Booger storms at Mike Phantasy, trying to squish him into the freezer. Seeing this, Mike ducks out of the way, thus sending Booger crashing into a pile of ice cubes...
Mike Phantasy: Goddamn...!
He then grabs a shopping cart, backs up with it and then slams it towards Booger, toppling him over. After smashing the cart across Booger's back, Mike jumps onto a table of goods, knocking over bars, chips and other assorted candy. He then leaps back, hitting a moonsault! He demands the referee make the count...
...1...2...
Unfortunately for Mike Phantasy, Booger kicks out at the count of two. In fact, Booger launches Mike off him, as if he were a missile. This throw sends Mike Phantasy sprawling into a vendor stage, knocking things over, gaining the attention of everyone.
Including Tony Millennia.
Tony Millennia: Hey, will you guys shut the fuck up over there?!
Tony, who is off in the distance, has a sub in his hand and is standing in front of a television set, which has been setup in the supermarket. On the set is the latest episode of Lost, which has Benjamin Linus trying to be a ninja, John Locke throwing knives, Michael saying "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT THEY TOOK MY SON", and Hurley eating everything. Kind of like Booger.
Despite Tony's interjection, Booger continues to hunt down Mike Phantasy, as if he were Jason Vorhees and Mike were a gang of horny teenagers. Lifting Mike up, Booger smashes Mike's head off the aisleway stage, even throwing him into a pile of tins and cans, splattering tins of milk everywhere.
As Tony takes another bite out of his sub, trying to tune in even harder to the Lost episode, Booger continues to hound Mike Phantasy. Unfortunately, Booger walks directly into a large milk carton wielded by Mike Phantasy. Grabbing a second carton, Mike begins to unload with several wallops to Booger's cranium, spilling milk all over the large man, finally finishing by smashing both cartons off Booger's skull.
Grabbing a nearby carrot, Mike begins to smash it against Booger's head, trying to use it like a spike. Unfortunately, Booger is able to fight back, throttle Mike's throat and then throw him recklessly backward, smashing him back into the cold freezer, which is where frozen food products are found.
Booger goes to charge in, but he is immediately met with Mike throwing various foods in his direction.
Mike heaves an ice cream container in Booger's direction.
It gets swallowed.
Mike throws a bag of French fries at Booger.
They get swallowed.
Mike even picks up a turnip, which has fallen out of its bin and throws it at Booger.
Of course, it is also eaten. Things are not looking up for Mike Phantasy, who happens to back up, smashing into Tony Millennia, interrupting his episode of Lost yet again.
Tony Millennia: I fucking told you guys. I'm watching TV! Now go awa--...
A loud burp erupts, followed by some regurgitation. Out of nowhere, the container of ice cream, the bag of fries and even the turnip comes flying out of Booger's mouth, headed straight for Mike Phantasy's head.
Mike Phantasy: Son of a...
Mike immediately ducks down, resulting in the regurgitated products spewing into Tony Millennia's face.
Tony Millennia: That's fucking it.
Covered in filth, Tony Millennia grabs the TV off its set, unplugging it just as the smoke monster makes an appearance. Running over, he smashes the TV set across Booger's skull, knocking him into some strudels, much to the glee of a bloody Booger.
He's happiness doesn't last for long, though; as Mike instantly erupts out of the corner, charging at Tony Millennia. Sensing this, Tony turns around, ducks down and backdrops Mike Phantasy through the air, sending him flipping into Booger, knocking the big man down!
Picking up some tins of drink, Tony begins heaving the drinks at both men, registering some punishment for both competitors. Ripping a fire extinguisher off the wall, Tony goes to try and suffocate both opponents... only to have Booger reach out, grab the extinguisher and then smash it across Tony's very own skull!
Before Tony collapses, Booger catches him, hoists him up onto his shoulder and then charges towards Mike Phantasy, who has fallen on the ground, trying to regroup himself. His attempts at recovering are futile, though. Out of nowhere, both Booger and Tony fall atop him, thanks to Booger spinebustering Tony onto Mike, flattening him on the floor.
As if he were Donkey Kong, Booger stands back on his feet, blood streaming down his face, and patting his belly, roaring loudly. Moving over to the stands, he begins to haul and pull one over, where he then begins pushing it down, hoping to have it topple over onto both Mike and Tony.
Everything on the stand falls over -- ketchup bottles, mustard bottles and relish bottles -- as the stand is pushed over. Luckily for Mike, he is able to roll out of the way, just as everything topples over. As for Tony Millennia, he isn't so lucky.
Ketchup, mustard, relish, mayo, etc. all crash atop him, along with the stand, crushing him beneath everything. Realizing this, Mike jumps to his feet and randomly does a standing shooting star press onto the stand, pinning Tony underneath everything. He even yells at the referee to make the cover.
...1...2...
At the count of two, Booger lumbers forward, splashes onto Mike Phantasy, thus squishing Tony Millennia underneath all those products. Taken by surprise, Mike is guffawed by the large man landing on him, sending a shockwave of oxygen exiting his lungs. Minutes later, Booger lifts Mike up to his feet, headbutts him from behind, presses him above his head and then throws him into another stand, sending the rest of the stands toppling over like dominoes!
Stepping away from the stand that Tony is located under, Booger lifts the stand up and tosses it aside. Lifting Tony up, Booger hammers Millennia and then body slams him onto a vertical freezer, tossing him onto several cartons of eggs. Grabbing a sirloin steak, Booger bashes it across Tony's head, leaving him down and out.
With nowhere else to go, Booger looks up.
Not only does he look up, but he also climbs upward. That's right, stacking several stands together, Booger climbs high into the air, having the sound of twisting metal grind beneath him. Wasting no time, a scene never before seen in Sin Wrestling occurs. That being Booger soaring through the air, only to crashland onto Tony Millennia, splattering egg yolks everywhere, landing on Tony's chest with his asshole!
Having Tony decimated in the broken eggs, Booger leans down, getting the pinfall...
...1...2...3!
An appropriate "Holy shit!" chant breaks out as Booger not only flies, but he also obtains a victory. Looking surprised, Booger hops out of the freezer, looking surprised and glorious as hell.
However, his victory is soon interrupted by the swelling chairshot from Mike Phantasy!
After smashing the chair against Booger's bloody forehead, Mike again cracks the chair off his head... striking him over and over again, until Booger is laying flat on the floor! Holding the broken, dented chair in his hands, an exasperated and disheveled Mike Phantasy looks down at Booger, snorts and strikes him once more with the chair.
It isn't until Sin Wrestling officials move in that Mike is escorted out of the area.
In the meantime, Booger bloody head drips on the supermarket floor, while Tony Millennia remains hunched over in the freezer, covered in egg yolk, barely able to breathe. At least Booger moves on in the tourney, along with Augustus Cross, as they try to become the new Ultraviolence Champion.
Winner: Booger
Chris Staggs is seen running down the hall with the bucket for “Delcan Turner’s Memorial in one hand and Mr. Binky in the other arm. Chris Staggs slams on the breaks as he stops at Stevie Swing’s locker room. He moves the bucket back down to his forarm as he bursts through the door with out knocking.
Chris Staggs: Stevie I got money for Del—
Chris Staggs stops mid sentence as he is awe struck by a topless Stevie Swing.
Stevie Swing: What the hell!!! GET OUT!!!
Chris Staggs stares at Stevie Swing breasts for a few moments before moving Mr. Binky: in front of his crotch as he backs out of the locker room. Once out Chris Staggs looks at Mr. Binky
Chris Staggs: Dude Stevie Swing is a girl with BOOBIES!
Mr. Binky: :………..
Chris Staggs: No I wasn’t trying to violate you. Little Pedro woke up.
Mr. Binky:: …………
Chris Staggs: What you don’t have a name for your wee wee.
Mr. Binky:: ………………
Chris Staggs: Sorry no need for name calling. It isn’t my fault that you are not anatomically correct. Take that up with the Vermont Bear company.
Chris Staggs continues the conversation with his teddy bear as they walk back to their locker room.
Fortunately, she is soon inside, where she awaits the arrival of Kaylie Vaughn Devlin, who comes to the ring with her husband, Carrick Devlin. Carrick, who lost earlier in the evening, takes a spot at ringside, allowing for his wife to step inside. Once she's in, Kaylie takes a spot in the corner, where she watches Lindsay crazily pace back and forth, waiting for the match to begin.
Ding... ding... ding!
With that, Lindsay Louis scurries across the ring, trying to blindside Kaylie with an attack. Luckily for Kaylie, she becomes aware of this attack by her husband pointing behind her, resulting in her stepping aside, thus resulting in Lindsay being caught by surprise.
Lindsay Louis runs straight into the turnbuckle pads, which Kaylie follows up with by smashing her face off the turnbuckle pads. After delivering some stiff side-kicks, Kaylie whips Lindsay across the ring and goes to follow in with a running-forearm into the corner, which Lindsay is able to see coming.
Taking a page out of Kaylie's handbook, Lindsay ducks aside, thus smashing Kaylie against the turnbuckle pads. Hoping to take advantage of this, Lindsay quickly rolls Kaylie up, even tucking a handful of tights into her hands via a schoolboy-rollup...
The referee begins the count...
...1...
However, Kaylie kicks out with haste, allowing her to jump up to her feet, blocking an attempted punch from Lindsay. This block enables her to sweep Lindsay's right leg out from under her, dropping her on her back, which she follows with an attempted elbowdrop.
At the right time, Lindsay Louis rolls out of the way, but Kaylie is quick to devise a plan that will enable her to stay on the offensive. Jumping back up, she grabs onto Lindsay's stringy, carrot-like hair, pulls her to her feet and whips her into the ropes.
Ducking down, she goes for a backdrop, which Lindsay tries to avoid by kicking at Kaylie. Unfortunately just as the kick is made, Kaylie extends her arm, grabs onto Lindsay's foot and swings her around. At the right time, Kaylie connects with a kick to Lindsay's gut, hunching her over, seconding that with a swinging-neckbreaker!
Up to her feet, Kaylie runs towards the ropes, jumps on the middle one and springboards back, landing on Lindsay with a moonsault. Right away, she goes for a cover...
...1...2...
However, Lindsay Louis somehow finds it within herself to kick out.
Slightly agitated, Kaylie stands to her feet and begins hitting Lindsay with some more moves, featuring an Octopus Hold, which Lindsay refuses to submit to. She even perfects a springboard armdrag, which she then floats into hurricanrana onto her standing opponent.
It isn't until Kaylie hits her springboard corkscrew senton that she is able to keep Lindsay Louis down for good. Taking advantage of this, she moves to the top rope, waiting for her to stand. When the time is right, Kaylie dives off the top rope, landing a Swan Dive DDT, a move that she calls "Calligraphy"!
Rolling onto Lindsay Louis, she exposes Lindsay's crotch to the crowd, gaining disgust all over the area, while making the cover.
...1...2...3!
Victorious, Kaylie Vaughn Devlin stands to her feet and has her hand raised by the referee. Seconds later, her husband, Carrick Devlin, slides inside and also holds her hand up. The image zooms in on the Devlins celebrating their victory, while an agitated Lindsay Louis slides out of the ring, visibly upset about her defeat.
All in all, things are looking up for Kaylie Vaughn Devlin.
Winner: Kaylie Vaughn Devlin
"The Creep" Chris Carson stands in the backstage area, still with the leather-strap tied to his wrist. To his right is his son, Chris Jr., with "The Creep" breathing heavily, fresh off his match. As he stands, he views Jay James walk by him, dressed in a robe, about to defend her Impulse Title in a Naked Wrestling Match against Sebastian York.
An idea pops into "The Creep"'s head.
Grabbing his son, he directs him to the nearest person... that being tonight's pink-haired general manager, Morgana.
Chris Carson: Son, you stay here with this bit--... uh... nice lady.
Morgana happens to turn around, unaware of what "The Creep" is setting her up to do. With Betsy at her side, she can only watch as Chris Carson takes off, a devilish plan in mind, leaving her with Chris Jr.
Chris Jr.: Hello.
Morgana: Hi.
An awkward silence occurs.
Morgana: I used to have a son, too.
Chris Jr.: Really?! Where is he?
Morgana: He died.
Chris Jr. begins wailing out loud, as the scene fades.
Naked Wrestling Match
Sebastian York is out first, wearing some tight-fitting underpants, with a confident glare on his face. He walks to the ring, much to the joy of the fans in attendance, especially the female fans. Stepping inside, he prepares himself for his chance at the Impulse Title, waiting for Jay to step inside so that he can remove his trousers.
"Bang Your Head" by Dope Stars Inc. begins to play and the lights fade as dizzying white spotlights begin to swirl around the audience. Next, Jay steps out from behind the curtain, wearing a silk black robe, having the Impulse Title wrapped around the outside of it, appearing to be kind of upset at having to disrobe. Nevertheless, she steps inside, removes her title and hands it over to the referee...
...only to be clean-clocked in the skull from behind by Chris Carson, who had run down from the back, interjecting himself! The chants for Jay are quickly cut-off by this attack, with the cheers soon turning to jeers for "The Creep", who instantly throws Jay over the top rope and to the floor.
Turning around, he views an unprepared Sebastian York, tackles him to the ground and begins pounding away on him, delivering a flurry of punches and forearms. Standing to his feet, still with the leather-strap from earlier around his wrist, he picks up the fallen Impulse Title, holds it up and aims it at Sebastian York's face. Chasing ahead, he blasts Sebastian in the skull with the title, knocking him on the ground, much to the dismay of the audience!
The referee for this match tries to step in, wanting order to get back underway, but Chris Carson is keen to punch him in the skull and then toss him to the floor, as well. This leaves an almost naked Sebastian York laying in the center of the ring, with Chris Carson hovering around him, winding up the leather strap that's connected to his wrist.
Like a rabid animal, Chris Carson begins whipping and slapping the strap against Sebastian York's back, all while yelling vicious insults at him.
Chris Carson: Be a man, Yorkie!
He unleashes some more lashings.
Chris Carson: You want to prance around out here like a goddamn woman? I'll show you how to be a man; and not a woman, you little bitch.
Some more lashings are given, followed by "The Creep" wrapping the strap around Sebastian York's neck, trying to choke him out. As a result, drool and spit are shown coming from Sebastian's mouth, unable to breathe, with "The Creep" even digging his knee into his upper-back.
Chris Carson: I'm going to teach you how to be a man, Yorkie.
When he's finished choking Sebastian York out, Chris Carson stands him to his feet, punches him in the face a few times and then wraps the strap around his neck once again. However, this time, Chris Carson launches him over the top rope, where he is able to commence choking Sebastian York, trying to hang him.
Chris Carson: It's time to be a man!
Upon seeing a robed Jay slide back inside, wielding a steel chair in her hands, Chris Carson releases his hold on Sebastian York and quickly rolls out of the ring. Jeers rain down upon him, as he walks to the back, while ring officials check on Sebastian York; while Jay stands in the ring, watching "The Creep" step to the back, still holding onto the chair.
Winner: n/a
Again we see Chris Staggs as he is in his locker room sitting on the bench with a thermometer in his mouth and an ice pack laying over his crotch. Mr. Feeney then returns to the locker room after getting a cup of coffee. Mr. Feeney looks over at Chris Staggs with a confused look on his face.
Mr. Feeney: What is going on, Mr. Staggs?
Chris Staggs: Dude did you know Stevie Swing was a girl?
Mr. Feeney: Yes.
Chris Staggs: Why didn’t you tell me?
Mr. Feeney: You would have believed me.
Chris Staggs: Tru dat. Now anyway I think Stevie gave me cooties.
Mr. Feeney: Why do you say that?
Chris Staggs: Well it seems Little Pedro can go down and I can’t get Stevie’s boobies out of my mind.
Mr. Feeney: Um what is with the ice pack.
Chris Staggs: That is the only way little Pedro will stay down.
Mr. Feeney: Wait Little Pedro is your penis.
Chris Staggs: If you want to be crude like that. Any way this is the way his stays down.
Mr. Feeney: You can’t wear that ice pack in the match.
Chris Staggs: I can’t wrestle without it, I might put somebody’s eye out..
Mr. Feeney: Try thinking of something else.
Chris Staggs: Like what?
Mr. Feeney: Your grandma.
Chris Staggs: *starts crying*
Mr. Feeney: What’s wrong?
Chris Staggs: I don’t know my grandma..
Mr. Feeney: Oh sorry. What about baseball.
Chris Staggs: Oh yeah baseball. Baseball. Baseball. I think it’s working. Wait those baseballs look like Stevie Swing’s boobies. Crap you are no help Mr. Feeney. I am going to use the ice pack.
The scene opens in the backstage area, where Corey Page is shown standing up, observing random workers transporting jelly moulds to the ring, which will be used for the upcoming matchup. As one worker passes, Corey sticks his pointer finger out, plucks out a pile of green jelly and mushes some into his mouth.
Corey Page: Mmm... limey.
Smacking his lips, his gaze is soon averted by the sunlight shining down on the gold title belonging to World Champion, Declan Turner, who doesn't seem too pleased.
Declan Turner: ...Jello? Are you freakin' kidding me? Jello?! I'm not wrestling in jello!
Corey Page: Hey, it's not up to me! Tonight, everything is being run by Morgana, as per the rules of the match, which you lost, by the way.
Declan Turner: Listen here, I'm not wrestling in any jello. Let's be serious here... Chris Staggs, the retard, may enjoy rolling around in green jello, but not I.
Corey Page: Are you sure? I mean, it can be fun.
Reaching his hand out, Corey grabs another roll of jello and goes to slap some onto Declan Turner, but the champ quickly pulls back, getting out of the way.
Declan Turner: Get your slimy, greasy hands off me, faggot. There's no way I'm wrestling in that green shit against a retard and a sexually obtuse dyke.
Corey shrugs his shoulders.
Corey Page: Hell if I care.
Declan Turner: Good.
As he turns away, walking off, Declan almost slips on a pile of jelly that had fallen on the ground, much to the hilarity of the viewing audience. However, before he falls, he fixes himself up, shakes his head and snorts.
Declan Turner: Jello... freakin' jello. "The Collective" is above jello. I'm not wrestling in no freakin' jello.
Before the scene fades out, Corey Page grabs aother glob of jello and slips it into his mouth.
Corey Page: Mmmm... tasty.
Fade out.
Jello Wrestling Match
"ABC" by The Jackson 5 blares, as Chris Staggs appears doing "the running man" right through the giant vagina Stevie ran through as Mr. Feeney appears beside him. Chris Staggs breaks into the Macarena as Mr. Feeney pushes him forward to the ring. He stops at a fan near the ring, grabs some popcorn from his tub and finally makes it into the ring, where he begins to do the "tootsie roll".
One really bizarre thing, however, is the fact that Chris has a big blue icepack strapped to his crotch, and he wiggles it in front of Stevie, who just smirks and looks into the multicolored vat of Jello in the ring.
Actually, he even jumps into the jello, playfully rolling around in it, while stuffing some into his mouth, while Stevie looks oddly at him. He offers her some jello, she smiles, nods and then takes a pile of it and joins him in eating.
And now it's time for the bad guys.
"I Get It" by Chevelle plays over the speakers, bringing out Declan Turner and Andrew Hurley, who walk down to the ringside area, Declan looking quite disgusted as he approaches the mess of jello.
As they approach, Staggs jumps face first into the Jello right off the bat, making snow angels in the stuff. Turner ends up shoving Hurley into the ring, staying off the apron for now, not wanting to get involved in this mess.
When the bell rings, Hurley starts off strong with punches to Staggs, but being in Jello seems to have charged Staggs, and he absorbs each punch. He drives Hurley back with punches of his own, then leaps up with a jumping DDT, planting Hurley face-first into the Jello, almost blinding him. After some standing "Fo Sho!" stomps and a quick standing swanton, Staggs starts to actually eat the Jello in the ring, just about making Turner feel sick.
Chris Staggs tags Stevie in, who goes to work right away on Hurley, hitting a leg drop onto Hurley's back. After taking a few kicks, Hurley manages to grab Stevie’s leg and drag her down into the Jello, which drives Staggs wilder, fanning at his iced-up crotch. Hurley manages to drag Stevie back up, then onto his shoulders, hitting her with a Death Valley Driver right into the gelatin!
He goes for a jelly-flavored pinfall count...!
...1...2...
But the kickout is made!
Annoyed, Andrew Hurley walks to the edge of the ropes and looks for a tag from Turner, but Declan just barks the orders back, demanding Hurley to fight for him. Hurley gripes a bit at Turner, but knows his role -- to unleash damage.
Hurley returns back to the action, only to walk into a kick and then a brainbuster from an overanxious Staggs! He tosses him out of the ring, where Hurley can finally tag out to Turner by slapping his arm.
Declan looks revolted by this turn of events and starts to back his way up the way he came out, all while Staggs and Hurley fight into the crowd. While Stevie taunts the legal Turner.
Suddenly, the fans are awashed in cheers, as Morgana sprints out from the back, holding a white bucket in her hands. She sneaks up behind Declan, splattering it all over his surprised face, even throwing the bucket over his head! Grabbing onto him, she rolls him back inside, throwing him into the mucky jello, making him participate in the match.
Once inside, Declan Turner struggles back to his feet and tries removing the bucket... only to get a helping hand from Stevie and her foot! As she connects with "The Last Dance" superkick, Stevie Swing sends the bucket torpedoing off Declan's head, shooting it into the audience, while Declan crumples into the jello!
Stevie instantly drops down, hooks a leg and gets the count...!
...1...
Stevie makes sure the count is continued...
...2...
Andrew Hurley is unable to make the save due to him brawling with Chris Staggs in the stands...
...3!
Just as the three is made, Stevie slides out of the ring and celebrates with Morgana in a slimy hug.
In the ring, Declan sits up, trying to regain his composure, scoffing at the two as they walk off. The final shot is that of Andrew Hurley laying out Chris Staggs with a glass baseball bat. In the meantime, Declan Turner sits in the mounds of jello, certainly not happy with the outcome, seething with rage at Stevie Swing.
Winner: Chris Staggs/Stevie Swing
Augustus Cross abruptly bursts into the office of Corey Page's office throwing his hands up. Cross looks and is in a state of shock. He's also extremely upset at what appears to be Andrew Hurley's announcement that he wants to go after the Ultraviolence belt. Page who was busy watching hockey highlight reels on sportscenter doesn't look too pleased to speak with Cross.
Augustus Cross: Mr. Page, I don't think you should give Andrew Hurley a chance at the Ultraviolence Tournament.
Corey Page: Why?
Augustus Cross: He's got AIDS and if he bleeds all over the place. Someone might get infected.
Corey Page: Too late, I already made the match.
Augustus Cross: Well, fuck. They don't have a cure for AIDS, so I have to withdraw. I don't want to, I want to be a champion.
Corey Page: Are you scared of Hurley?
Augustus Cross: Yes, I'm scared he might bleed to death all over me with his shitty immune system.
Corey Page: Does he really have AIDS or are you making this up to get out of having a competitive match?
Augustus Cross: Are you fucking kidding me? AIDS is an epidemic! It affects more people than identity fraud! It's a true fucking crisis.
Corey Page: Seriously, I think you need to re-evaluate your approach. If he does have AIDS, he'll probably die soon. Then what do you care?
Augustus Cross: Okay, I know I'm fucking invincible. But work with me here. AIDS is my kryptonite. If I fight Hurley, that means GIRLS aka WOMEN will think I carry the disease even if I don't get it. And then I won't get laid. And we can't fucking have that. My dick is a huge priority.
Corey Page: Should I make you wear a raincoat or a latex suit? FUCK MAN. I can't read your mind!
Augustus Cross: I'm taking more risks than any other superstar. It's a handicap match man, I'm taking on Andrew Hurley and the ever powerful AIDS. That's an epic PPV match within itself and I can handle Hurley. But man, AIDS is fucking tough. Could I earn extra points for fighting that homosexual tag team of AIDS and Hurley? That should count as two wins. And also pay for my HIV testing after my match. Cool?
Corey Page: It's all in your mind. Stop being so paranoid. any testing will be deducted out of your check. Any more whining?
Augustus Cross: Okay, okay... this isn't Philadelphia Story. And Andrew Hurley isn't Tom Hanks. He's still a faggot and he shouldn't share needles with Declan Turner. That's just repulsive. Look Corey, I'm sorry for quote unquote "whining". I didn't know looking out for myself was whining. I didn't know you not looking out for me was whining. I guess I'm a big fucking whiner. Thanks for making me a crybaby.
Corey Page: You done yet? And please stop whining.
Augustus Cross: I hope you and Hurley become blood brothers.
Augustus Cross slams the door behind him and the camera fades to black as Corey Page goes back to being a tool watching ESPN.
One-Arm Tied Behind Back Match
The tinkling bells mark the beginning of "Rock Superstar" by Cypress Hill, as the arena lights suddenly go dark. With the guitars beginning the main part of the song, multicolored lights begin to pulse along with the beat, revealing Casanova to be standing on the stage, staring behind sunglasses over the ring and crowd. He heads toward the ring, high fiving a few fans and basking in the audience response, before rolling into the ring and crouching in one of the corners, ready for the match.
Just as the challenger, Casanova, reaches the inside portion of the ring, "Pieces of Me (Remix)" by Britney Spears hits the speakers. This, of course, brings out the beloved pink-haired warrior known as Morgana, who has the Television Title strapped around her waist. As she steps towards the ring, she slaps the hands of several fans and slides inside, where she removes her title and hands it over to the referee.
When the duo is ready, they both move next to the referee, who seperately ties one arm behind each of their back -- Casanova tying his left; and Morgana tying her right. Taking a deep breath, both competitors step into opposite corners and wait for the bell to ring.
Morgana and Casanova slowly walk to each other, each knowing the tepid history between each other. For those with good memories, it was Casanova that lead to the end of Morgana's undefeated streak; and it was Casanova that pushed Morgana and Adora to the brink in 2007.
This time, though; they are all alone, going one-on-one with each other. Starting things off, Casanova uses his free arm to side-headlock Morgy, who uses her left arm to strike at Casanova's side. Pushing him off, he bounces off the ropes and comes storming back, hitting her with a shoulderblock, dropping her onto the canvas.
She quickly pops back up, ready to take the action back to an incoming Casanova, who walks right into a drop-toe-hold from Morgana. Right after that, she kicks up to her feet and goes for a somersault senton splash, only to have Casanova roll out of the way. Luckily for her, she is able to roll safely up to her feet, with both eyes fixated on her co-Hall of Famer.
Once again, Casanova and Morgy dart toward each other, with Casanova stepping aside, letting her run right into the set of ropes. Bouncing back, she rebounds and ducks beneath an attempted clothesline from Casanova. Proceeding forward, she leaps onto the nearby middle rope and springs back, using her single arm to take Casanova down with an armdrag.
They both instinctively rise, with Morgana speeding back towards Casanova, only to run directly into a high-kick to the chest, which knocks her back. Stepping up to Morgy, Casanova gives her a palm strike, with his fans cheering out for him. In the meantime, Morgana's fans cheer for her to rise and bring back the attack on her opponent.
The chants are about 50-50%, as Casanova knees Morgy in the gut, pulls her close and then, using one arm, flips her vertically over with a snap-suplex! Popping back up, Casanova drops a knee across Morgana's forehead and then arises once again. Walking to Morgana's legs, Casanova uses his sole-arm to tuck her right leg beneath her left. However, as he tries to apply a hold, Morgana uses her free-hand to roll him up!
Seeing the inside-cradle, the referee begins to count...!
...1...2...
As the referee's hand strikes the mat for the second time, Casanova desperately kicks out, wishing to continue to the match.
At approximately the same time, both of them rise, with Casanova swinging at her with his free arm. Seeing his fist fly towards her face, Morgy instantly ducks down, forcing him to spin around, allowing her to leap up, tuck both of her feet underneath his armpits and then reverse Victory Roll him.
As usual, the referee begins the count once he witnesses Morgana bridge over onto Casanova, trying to bridge his legs down...
...1...2...
Yet again, Casanova kicks out, letting the match move on!
Just like the last time, both of them rise at the same time. This time, though; Casanova successful strikes with a punch to her gut, hunching her over and then standing-headscissoring her. Using his free-arm, he hoists her up onto his shoulders, putting her into a powerbomb-position, using all of the strength that he can muster.
Aware of her dangerous predicament, Morgana uses her left hand to furiously strike Casanova in the face, trying to gain her freedom. This swatting results in Casanova stumbling backward, his back nearing the ropes, which both he and Morgana spill over, crashing all the way out to the floor!
At the second they hit the floor, the referee begins counting both of them out.
...1...2...3...4...
Morgana is the first to rise...
...5...6...
She is then followed by Casanova.
...7...
She goes to charge at him, but he realizes this, prompting him to propel her into the air, allowing her to land on her own two feet on the side of the apron! Not only does this elevate her, but it also serves to break the count. Unfortunately for Casanova, it leaves him in prime position for an aerial attack from Morgy, the current Television Champion.
Using her free-hand, Morgana springs herself onto the top rope, threatening to hit a springboard moonsault plancha. Aware of this, Casanova steps to the right, saving himself from the attack, thinking he has outsmarted Morgana.
Sadly, that's not the case.
Alternatively, Morgana springs forward, somersaulting back into the ring, allowing her to roll up to a standing position. Using this rolling momentum, she springboards off the furthest set of ropes and shoots across the ring like an arrow. Somersaulting over the top rope, she lands on Casanova's shoulders with both of her legs, which she uses to clinch around his head/neck and then take him over with a hurricanrana onto the floor!
After this disastrous crash, Morgana is the first to rise; and is also the first to re-enter the ring, too. Leaning against the ropes, she waits for Casanova to come back inside, while the referee counts him out...
...1...2...3...4...5...
With the fans rallying behind him, Casanova stands to his feet while on the floor...
...6...7...8...
He goes to climb onto the ring apron, but Morgana spots this and decides to try and cut him off. Going full-speed ahead, she goes to perform a suicide dive onto him, only to dive directly into a European uppercut from Casanova, catching her off-guard! This uppercut leaves her hanging over the middle rope, and gives him the chance to stop the count by standing back on the apron.
Up here, he kicks, stomps and knees Morgy in her pink head. Using the middle rope to propel himself into the air, he comes back down, dropping a leg across the back of her neck, guillotining her across the rope, snapping her head back. Absolutely stunned, she rolls back into the center of the rig, giving Casanova the ability to rise on the ring apron and then climb to the top turnbuckle pad.
Measuring Morgana up, Casanova waits for her to stand. Once she's up, he opts to dive off the top rope, hitting the Carpe Nocturn, almost taking her head squarely off her shoulders! Crawling back, he is privy on making the cover...
...1...2...
However, at the count of two, the referee bares witness to Morgana placing her right leg on the bottom rope, halting the count, much to the delight of her fans; and much to the disappointment of the raucous Casanova fans. Slapping his hand off the canvas, feeling shades of anguish, Casanova rises, lifting Morgana up with his arm, as well.
Casanova's right hand continuously slaps and chops against Morgana's chest, pushing her against the ropes. Using this hand, he throttles Morgana's throat, choking her slightly. He soon uses one hand to lift her into the air, attempting the move he is becoming famous for -- chokeslamming his opponent from inside the ring to the outside.
The handicap in strength and size becomes apparent when Casanova holds her up in the air by the throat and goes to charge forward...
...only to have Morgana kick him in the stomach and then knee him in the jaw! This stops him at the last second, sitting her on the top rope, where she attempts to swing out with a Tornado DDT.
However, after one complete 360 degree rotation, Casanova pushes her back into the corner, where he sits her on the top rope. With his free hand, he strikes with an uppercut, setting her in position for him to climb up with her. Stepping on the second rope, Casanova seems to be setting up for a single-arm superplex, but it's to no avail, as Morgana tightly wraps her legs around the top turnbuckle pad, halting herself. Instead, she squirms her way out of his clutches, punches and forearms him and then hops over him.
On her way down, she uses her legs to latch underneath his arms, completing a sunset-flip bomb off the top rope, sending him all the way back down to the canvas! This move, of course, being similar to a move Adora pulled out against him in a ladder match, which helped grant her victory.
Letting her feet cover Casanova, Morgana hopes for the best, as she tries for a pinfall.
...1...2...
In an unfortunate twist for the Television Champ, this isn't enough to put Casanova away.
Looking more flustered as the match goes on, Morgana stands to her feet, waiting for Casanova to rise. Once he's up, she charges at him from behind and then leaps onto his shoulders. Squirming, Casanova finds it within himself to slide her off his shoulders, pushing her forward. Thanks to this, he lifts her up into a back-suplex position, but she backflips out of harm's way, landing on her own feet behind him.
Realizing this, Casanova twists around, trying to strike her with a punch. Upon seeing this, she drops down to the ground, uses her one hand to propel herself up and then swings around, using both of her feet to sweep Casanova's legs out from beneath him! Jumping back up, she moves into her corner, does a cartwheel out and goes for a standing Shooting Star Press onto Casanova.
Before she hits the maneuver, Casanova rolls out from underneath her. Luckily for her, she is able to completely flip around, landing on her two feet, while Casanova jumps up, shooting his foot at her with a Yakuza Kick!
Seconds before the brunt of his foot connects with her face, Morgana ducks down, thus resulting in his foot smashing into the referee's head! Knocked unconscious, the referee collapses onto the canvas, while Morgana turns around, runs towards the ropes, front-handsprings off the ropes with one hand, and then leaps up, hitting a Tornado DDT on Casanova, drilling his skull into the mat!
This move, which she calls "The Feminine Mystique" lays Casanova perfectly out, leaving him in prime position for her to climb to the top rope. In a matter of second, she rockets through the air, making two complete moonsault rotations, landing the "Variations on a Theme"!
She hooks Casanova's leg, going for the cover, having hit two of her favourite moves...
.........
The fan's count along to "three", but there's no actual count -- the referee is still unconscious thanks to the accidental boot-to-the-face from Casanova. Stunned at this revelation, Morgana slowly rises, wiping sweat off her brow, the damage done to her from her matches at Over The Top Rope finally showing their wear-and-tear, as she holds her back when rising.
Slowly, Morgana walks over to the referee, checking on him, trying to get him to revive. She turns back to Casanova, who is miraculously beginning to stir, trying to pry him back to his feet, while the referee remains down. Having him down on the canvas, she is about to lift him up, when she receives a sudden tap on the shoulder.
The cheers for both Casanova and Morgana have quickly been exchanged for boos, as Declan Turner stands behind Morgana, holding the World Title in his hands. Spinning her around, Declan bashes her across the face with the World Title belt, knocking her into another time, as her head smashes against the mat, her eyes rolling back in her head.
Before exiting the ring, Declan strikes Morgana with the Blood Money, dropping her face-first onto the World Title, which he slides out from under her face. Walking around the ring, he shakes the referee, reviving him, allowing him to slowly rise, only to see both Morgana and Casanova laid out in the ring.
Oblivious to what had previously occured the referee can only watch as Casanova is the first to rise, also unaware of the previous happenings. As he turns around, he sees Morgana knocked unconscious and bleeding from the nose, with several thoughts swirling around in his head.
Not wasting any time, he picks her up, kicks her in the stomach, bounces off the ropes and returns with the "Bad Omen", striking her in the temple with a big kick. From here, he then connects with the "Destiny Calling", a move that has put away many men within the history of Sin Wrestling!
Rolling her onto her back, he makes the cover. The referee counts...
...1...2...
On the outside, a kneeling Declan Turner watches on, an evil grin plastered across his smug face...
...3!
The back-and-forth, hard-hitting match is over and Casanova is the victor, thanks to some interference from Declan Turner. Nevertheless, he continues to be oblivious to the actions of the World Champion and joyfully receives the Television Title, which he holds in the air, getting a great ovation from his fans.
Sliding to the outside, the worn-down vampire steps into the crowd, celebrating his victory with his fans, allowing them to pat him on the back and rub his title. Out here, he has his arm untied, allowing him free reign over his movement, using this best to hold his title high in the air.
Once Morgana is left alone, Declan Turner slides inside, laughing at Morgana's misfortune, as he hovers over her.
Winner: Casanova
April March’s “Chick Habit” hits, and out comes 2008 Sin Trophy winner Stevie Swing. Her arrival whips the fans into a frenzy; they notice that she has a microphone. Declan and Morgana turn their attention to Stevie, keeping one eye on each other, while Morgy desperately tries to untie her arm.
Stevie Swing: My, isn’t this dramatic? I don’t want to pull a Sebby and start talking out of my ass about how Corey Page wanted me to stop the two of you from fighting by announcing what I’m going to do with my Trophy, because I know that the two of you ripping each other to shreds is, in the end, a good thing for me. At the same time, I was told to have my match booked and squared away, put on paper and all, by the end of the night. Here it is…the end of the night. Here it is…
Stevie pulls a folded piece of paper from the back of her jeans and unfolds it. The contract.
Stevie Swing: Your main event for Vanity, coming live from the Coliseum in Rome. Declan... you won’t be surprised to find out that your name is on this contract. Last year, Morgy won the trophy and won the title. The year before that, Casanova won the title and…well... nobody really gives a fuck about Casanova. I want the belt, though, Declan. I want to repeat history, and that means that, at Vanity, you and me will be in that ring together one more time.
At the news, the fans cheer. Declan rolls his eyes.
Stevie Swing: But that’s just for starters Declan, because I want this match to mean something. I want this match to define Sin Wrestling. I want this match to be something that people will look back at and watch and point to it as the match that shows what wrestling is and can be. While I’ve got no doubts that you and I would tear the fucking house down, I want a bit of insurance on that end…so I’ve made it a triple threat match involving the woman you’re currently standing in the ring with.
The fans now erupt... a triple-threat match featuring the final three from Over the Top Rope is something to cheer about. Morgana smiles at the news.
Stevie Swing: And to cap it all off: The gimmick. I’m not much for those triple threat matches where one of the challengers can sneak in and steal the belt without so much as touching the champ, and I’m all about making history, so besides the fact that we’ve got Stevie Swing, Declan Turner and Morgana in the same ring, at the same time, going for the same title…this is going to be a sixty minute, no holds barred Ironperson Match. Whichever one of us has the most pinfalls and submissions at the end of an hour is going to walk away with that belt; no more excuses. That’s all.
Stevie drops the mic to the ground while the fans buzz with anticipation for the three way Ironperson Match at Vanity. Declan and Morgana remain poised incase the other attacks, and Stevie stands there, taking it all in at a safe distance. We have ourselves a Mexican Standoff.
End.