Horatio Q: Hello, hello, my new friends. Welcome to the new and improved Sin Wrestling! Tsarmina and I bring you bigger, better, more extreme and hardcore action! You want a new champion?
The fans at the front of the stage make an uproar.
Horatio Q: You got it!
The fans let out a cheer.
Horatio Q: You want more over the top violence and blood?!
Again, the fans roar.
Horatio Q: You got it!
The fans shout in approval, once again.
Horatio Q: Do you want more Sin Wrestling? More merchandising?
The fans let out yet another screech.
Horatio Q: Well, you're going to have to pay up! This shirt...
Horatio holds up a Sin Wrestling t-shirt.
Horatio Q: Formerly $19.99... no! It's now $59.99!
Of course, the fans let out a loud jeer, not liking this.
Horatio Q: We put our money on the line to please you -- the fans! You want to join in and watch the action? You all better pay up!
More boos roar in.
Horatio Q: More pay per views... higher prices... more violence... everyone in the back will have to work themselves to the bone! New wrestlers... new champions... you're all replaceable! Even you, the fans!
The fans boo some more.
Horatio Q: Right, Tsarmina?
Tsarmina Bloodmoon: Da.
More jeers pour in, as she gently strokes her pussy.
Horatio Q: Tonight -- on All Hallow's Eve -- I want everyone to go out there and break themselves! Anyone that has a problem with this, can come see me. But remember... I'm the man that signs your checks!
He throws down the phone, hoping to revel in cheers, but gets nothing but jeers. The camera fades away, as the Sin Wrestling logo appears on screen, thus beginning tonight's pay per view.
Lex Robinson: Well, look at this... we're back on the air.
Steve Hebert: About time, too. I was getting sick of receiving unemployment checks in the mail.
Lex Robinson: Like hell you were.
Steve Hebert: True; I spent the entire summer plastered drunk, laying on my back, under the sun and rubbing butter on my chest. On my fat, man tits, too.
Lex Robinson: That's disgusting.
Steve Hebert: Rightfully so. I mean, it's Halloween... the perfect time for the gross and macabre, right?
Lex Robinson: Hey, it's what Sin Wrestling is all about!
Steve Hebert: Good.
Lex Robinson: Well, Steve, to officially kick off the night, we’ve got a literal street fight, taking place in the parking lot outside of this amusement park.
Steve Hebert: This abandoned amusement park. We’ve got to keep this thing as creepy as possible, Lex.
Lex Robinson: Right, which is probably why that Horatio Q. guy decided to call it The Gateway to Annihilation.
Steve Hebert: I heard that’s what male prostitutes call his asshole.
Lex Robinson: In any case, this match features three brand new signees—Kinsey Wells…
Steve Hebert: An escaped child-rapist from Alabama with a penchant for banjo music and skull fucking…or so I’m told.
Lex Robinson: Shaku Endbringer...
Steve Hebert: A walking Roland Emmerich film. Can end John Cusak’s career... just by looking at him!
Lex Robinson: And Teresa Quaranta.
Steve Hebert: Otherwise known as the only thing in Sin worth masturbating over. Spooooooky...
Lex Robinson: Let’s cut to our live feed of the parking lot, where it appears that the match is just about to begin.
Out in the parking lot, Shaku Endbringer and Teresa Quaranta stand around awkwardly, not really knowing what to do without entrance ramps, pyro, and ear-splitting music. A referee stands between the three competitors, looking equally lost.
Lex Robinson: I’m sure they’ll start any minute now, I’m sure, just as soon as Kinsey Wells bothers to show up.
Steve Hebert: Here she comes, Lex. In a sweet ride, too.
Lex Robinson: That’s not a sweet ride, Steve. That’s a Dodge Dart.
Steve Hebert: You’re just jealous because your mom drives you to work.
Lex Robinson: ...I flew in this time.
Kinsey Wells steps out of her vintage Dodge Dart, eyeing her competitors. The referee calls for an invisible bell, but even that fails to get things going. Kinsey steps towards her two opponents and looks them up and down.
Kinsey Wells: So which one of you is the faggot who calls himself “Endbringer?”
Teresa Quaranta immediately points to the overly muscled man standing across from her.
Teresa Quaranta: You really had to ask that question?
Kinsey Wells: Actually, I just saw the booking sheet this morning. I was eating breakfast and checking my email, and then I saw this match and that guy’s name, and I just couldn’t stop laughing.
Lex Robinson: Uh-oh. Shaku doesn’t look too happy with Kinsey’s commentary.
Steve Hebert: Yeah, but is he frothing at the mouth because he’s angry, or because he’s about to bring the end?
Lex Robinson: At this point, it’s probably the same thing. Shaku charges at Kinsey, who is caught totally off guard, and rams her into the side of her shitty Dodge Dart!
Steve Hebert: That car’s a classic!
Lex Robinson: Look at the dent in the side of that car, Steve.
Steve Hebert: It looks like the mayor from Final Fight just fucked it in the ass.
Lex Robinson: And it looks like Shaku’s not done with Kinsey’s Dart just yet! He picks Kinsey up from the concrete and just hurls her through the passenger-side window! We’ve barely started this pay-per-view, and we’ve already got blood!
Steve Hebert: Which is obviously a huge turn-on for this Teresa chick, as she comes over for some of Shaku’s end-bringing burrito.
Lex Robinson: Burrito?
Steve Hebert: I’m rusty.
Lex Robinson: Teresa Quaranta gets the jump on Shaku, dropkicking him square in the back. This sends him gut-first into Kinsey’s Dodge Dart, knocking the air out of him. Quaranta goes for the cover...
...1...
Lex Robinson: One...!
Steve Hebert: Yes! The hot chick moves on to the second round!
Lex Robinson: No, she doesn’t, as Endbringer kicks out quickly!
Steve Hebert: Well, in the future, don’t be so goddamn excited over a one count. I thought they changed the rules or something.
Lex Robinson: Shaku looks really upset, maybe even a little stunned that a woman got a near fall on him. That’s something he’ll have to get used to in Sin.
Steve Hebert: Especially once Teresa figures out that the surefire way to win in this promotion is to suck my cock before belltime.
Lex Robinson: If that were the case, suicide rates amongst our female superstars would skyrocket.
Steve Hebert: But they’d still suck my dick, right?
Lex Robinson: Moving right along, Shaku rushes at Teresa, who uses her speed to side step him. Shaku stops in his tracks, turns around, and gets caught with a sharp kick to the chest that echos through the dead air here in this nuclear wasteland.
Steve Hebert: Yeah, but Shaku is beholden to no bitch. He roars at her, then gears up and drills her with one of those lariat things that cowboys and Japanese wrestling announcers are always going batshit crazy for.
Lex Robinson: Instead of going for the cover, Shaku picks up Teresa and carries her back to Kinsey Well’s Dart, where he sets her up for a belly to belly suplex onto the hood of the car, but Teresa stops this with the mother of all equalizers—a vicious knee to the groin!
Steve Hebert: Holy fuck, she’s a lesbian. They’re always lesbians.
Lex Robinson: Teresa leaves Shaku writing in pain on the ground, looking for something she can use to keep the massive Endbringer down. She settles on an abandoned “Keep Left” sign and rushes at Shaku, who is up to his knees. She swings for the fences, but Shaku ducks! The “Keep Left” sign instead connects with Kinsey Wells, who was just getting up!
Steve Hebert: I wonder if she’ll laugh about this over breakfast tomorrow.
Lex Robinson: Teresa goes for the cover...
...
Lex Robinson: ...But Shaku isn’t down and stomps her in the head before the referee can even count to one!
Frustrated, He picks up the “Keep Left” sign and smashes it over Teresa’s head before snapping it in half!
Lex Robinson: He smashes the sign over her skull! I’m actually pretty impressed by that.
Steve Hebert: Oh yeah? I’m not.
Lex Robinson: You’re not? He just snapped a “Keep Left” sign in half!
Steve Hebert: So the fuck what, Lex? The man has been crushing skulls for ten years! Ten straight years of skull crushing, and you’re impressed by a “Keep Left” sign? It wasn’t even one of those vicious ones, like on Monty Python.
Lex Robinson: You watch Monty Python?
Steve Hebert: Do I look like a virgin, Lex?
Lex Robinson: If it were really ten straight years, wouldn’t his hands get tired?
Steve Hebert: Fuck you, virgin. Call the match.
Lex Robinson: Right. Shaku stands tall over his two opponents, holding the two pieces of that “Keep Left” sign in both of his hands.
Steve Hebert: As the only man in this match, Shaku is clearly trying on deciding which woman is more worth rape charges. While I’d go with Teresa, because I like women with a bit of meat on them, Kinsey looks like she won’t even put up a fight.
Lex Robinson: But it’s Kinsey who’s the first to her feet, only for Shaku to take her down again, making her head the filling of a painful “Keep Left” sandwhich.
Steve Hebert: The fuck is with you and this “Keep Left” sign? Just call it a sign.
Shaku goes for the cover on a prone Kinsey, hooking the leg for good measure. The referee counts...
Lex Robinson: He makes the cover...!
...1...
Steve Hebert: If one counts counted, this match’d be over!
...2...
Steve Hebert: And two counts, for that matter…
Lex Robinson: But they don’t, and Teresa Quaranta has far too much fight left in her!
Teresa does a little breakdance on the concrete, not the slightest bit concerned about skinning her back, and kicks Shaku in the face! Now she’s rooting through Kinsey’s pockets…
Steve Hebert: She’s feeling her up! I fucking knew it!
Lex Robinson: ...and she comes up with the keys to Kinsey’s Dodge Dart! What the hell does she want those for?
Steve Hebert: To get a feel of that authentic Corinthian leather, obviously.
Lex Robinson: Kinsey opens up the driver’s side door and turns the engine over. A thick cloud of black smoke comes from the exhaust, and it looks like Teresa is jacking Kinsey Wells’ car!
Steve Hebert: I know she’s Mexican or something, but a wrestler’s paycheck should be more than enough to send home to mama.
Lex Robinson: Wait! She stops about 300 yards from where Kinsey and Shaku are situated and revs the engine. I think she’s going to try to hit one of her opponents with Kinsey’s car!
Steve Hebert: Lesbian or not, I fucking love this woman already!
Lex Robinson: Shaku is up to his feet, and Teresa guns the car, accelerating as fast as Detroit’s finest could get cars to accelerate in the late 1970’s. She’s clearly aiming for Shaku, but he dives out of the way, and Teresa crashes into a light pole!
Steve Hebert: Holy fuck!
Teresa goes headlong into the wheel of her car, as it smashes into the pole!
Lex Robinson: Shaku tries to catch his breath away from the crash site, but it looks like Teresa is knocked out!
Steve Hebert: But it wasn’t a total loss... at least she hit Kinsey. And with her own car!
Lex Robinson: You’re right, Steve! That Dodge Dart is resting on Kinsey Well’s leg! The referee notices this and checks to see if he can push the car off... wait! He’s counting a pinfall!
...1...
Steve Hebert: What the fuck?
...2...
Lex Robinson: Two! I’ve never seen anything like this! I guess Teresa, being in the car, is technically on top of a pinned Kinsey!
Steve Hebert: So a Dodge Dart is going to be in the main event? Sweet!
...3!
Lex Robinson: It’s over! Teresa Quaranta has won the opening contest at Illusions 2009, and Shaku Endbringer is just now realizing it.
Steve Hebert: Oh, the end has already been broughten, girlfriend.
Lex Robinson: The referee is trying to explain his ruling to a livid Shaku Endbringer, but he is having none of it! I mean, he probably has a case here...
Steve Hebert: Fuck his case. I’ve seen world titles exchanged because some fat fuck laid down on top of a palate of kegs.
Lex Robinson: That argument isn’t working with Shaku, though, who has heard enough! He grabs the referee by the back of the head and plants him with a reverse Russian legsweep that he calls the Ticket to Hell, right on the concrete!
Steve Hebert: Too little, too late. He should have done that to Teresa while he was snapping the “Keep Left” sign in half.
Meanwhile, Teresa wakes up behind the wheel of Kinsey Wells’ Dodge Dart and realizes what happened. She celebrates for a bit, honking the horn, but that only attracts the attention of Shaku. Quickly, she gets out of the car and starts running towards the theme park, where she’s now scheduled to take place in a match that’ll determine the new Sin Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion!
Winner: Teresa Quaranta
“The fuck is the Ukraine?”
The cameras pick up the familiar pacing shadow of a familiar pacing man with a familiar, pacing voice. This man is on his cellular phone and is noticeably befuddled by the location of the Ukraine. The timestamp on the camera reads “10/28/09”, the camera is apparently outdated, seeing as it still has a timestamp function.
Shadowed Man: ...wait, you sold it? Again?
The man stops pacing and gives a heavy sigh in order to express his disapproval over the unoriginality of this plot device. The camera picks up a sharp intake of breath as the man’s body becomes utterly rigid. The words that follow are spoken with utter caution and absolute dread…
Shadowed Man: You didn’t give it to Flame again, did you, Corey?
Audible laughter is heard from the cellular phone. The shadowed man resumes his pacing as he waits for the violent guffawing to cease. Which, after several moments, it does. The shadowed man then proceeds to express his relief in the following fashion…
Shadowed Man: Phew.
The shadowed man continues pacing, nodding his head slightly, as though the Corey on the other end of the line was making points. Then, a break in the rhythm. The shadowed man breaks off his pacing again.
Shadowed Man: ...so you sold it to a transvestite?
A shake of the head followed by a shrug of the shoulders. The man resumes his pacing.
Shadowed Man: Yeah, sounds about right. All k, I’ll do it. ...oh, you knew I’d say that? And sent a camera to catch this all on tape? But you’re not even in charge anymore. …what the fuck do you mean “oh, that reminds me, you’ll have to come interview in the Ukraine?” The fuck is the Ukraine? What 14 hour flight?! I don’t want to go to Seattle! ...what do you mean “GOOSNIGHT”?! Hey, don’t hang up on me! Corey! Corey!
Ceasing his pacing sometime in the middle of that barrage, the shadowed man gets more and more flustered with each passing instant. This behavior finally culminates in the shadowed man throwing his cellular phone against the hardwood floor of what is presumably his home.
Shadowed Man: Fucking Canadians.
And he’s a xenophobe, too! With that, the recording ends.
His dark eyes are nearly closed from the pressure of his cheeks, imitating a large smile wrapped across his face. The expression on his face changes from a big smile to a direct stare away from the camera, with his eyes still very much closed, as he leans back in his chair and forms his mouth into a perfect circle and taps the side of his jaw, allowing perfect smoke rings to come out and into the atmosphere. The smile returns to his face and he kicks his legs up on the desk so that only the bottom of his shoes are visible for everyone.
Jaxin Brock: Jaxin is the name; and for everyone who doesn’t yet know, I am the new attraction to the Sin Wrestling ring and that means that one-by-one, on any given night, every one of the guys in the back are going to have a shot at me. Unfortunately for this group of fans, and fortunately for the wrestlers in the back, that night will have to occur on any given night AFTER tonight.
Jaxin pauses for a moment, and his feet swing back and forth across the desk. The crowd seems to be enthused for the new talent, but unsure of how to take what he is saying. They sit in silence, awaiting his next words before casting their judgment.
Jaxin Brock: I know, I know; you’re all disappointed and I can literally hear the sigh of relief coming from the backstage area... but you all must know that it is a company choice, not my own. For those of you who don‘t know, the reason you‘re looking at my feet is not that you are not worthy, I just wanted to give all of my future opponents a sight of the last thing they will see when they get in the ring with me.
He freezes for reaction, and the crowd still seems agitated with the arrogance of the new superstar, with a few beginning to shout obscenities towards the screen, with some others seeming loving the new persona.
Jaxin Brock: At certain times in history, there is often an amazing cataclysm, a gunshot of sorts in the times. Presidents want to go to wars for no other reason other than to say they brought peace to another country, no matter if they used violence and crime to obtain said peace. These are not the gunshots, nor could they ever be. Riots, murders and rape happen every few seconds, and those Presidents do no different. It’s been far too long since the revival of an amazing blast into the history books which will surely hide and misconstrue the true events leading to the shot, but no matter how they tell it, the point still remains and the bullet hole smokes throughout the pages which it pierced through.
Again, he freezes his talking, but this time only long enough to take a sip of something to clear his throat.
Jaxin Brock: Times have changed and I’ve gotta say... the music is completely different, but the lyrics always stay the same. The meaning is always inconclusive just as the fingerprints taken off the freshly fired gun. I gather mostly from the sound of every piece of culture from the clothing on your backs, to the slightest voices in the background of your favorite songs that everyone wants to be remembered. That pungent aroma of the driving force of life has grown stagnant. To bring it back, show them how they are to be remembered, create the desperation and pull the trigger for them. Even the power can’t pull the trigger these days, it takes so much more than that. To create, it takes an artist. If it’s the man in power that you want, then you should stay tuned to the main event here tonight, but if you’ve tuned in tonight to see the hand of the man who fires that shot, then your night ends here and you can rest easier.
Jaxin’s boots slide to the far left of the screen, disappearing out of sight, as his face becomes clear again. His smile is much more dull and less vibrant than earlier and he leans into the camera, letting his black hair fall into his face. He pulls his hand out in front of his face, where he is looking at his palm.
Slowly, he twists his hand around so that his palm is facing the camera now. It zooms in to show the word Revolution tattooed across the bottom of his palm. In an instant, he shoves his hand into the lense of the camera and the feed is cut.
Lex Robinson: Well, up next was scheduled to be Jean-Paul Lacklan, the self-porclaimed “Uncrowned King of Sin,” taking on former World Champion Sebastian York...
Steve Hebert: The fact that you can call Sebby a former World Champion says a lot about the worth of the World Title, if you ask me.
Lex Robinson: But we’ve just received word that neither Lacklan or York are on the premise, let alone at the bumper car ride, where their match is to take place.
Steve Hebert: Lacklan likely got depressed that his precious wrestling was taking place at a carnival. That fag is no fun.
Lex Robinson: Horatio Q. is standing by at the bumper cars, though, to give us an update on what will be happening.
The feed cuts over to the bumper car ride, where Horatio Q., Tarsimina Bloodmoon, a Sin referee, and two wrestlers, Kelvin Coolidge and Mitch Cashmore, are standing by. Zooming around them in bumper cars that are going much faster than any bumper car should are a group of about fifty or so fans, many of them appearing to be drunk. Horatio Q. has a microphone.
Horatio Q.: I know that most of you were expecting a very good showing from Jean-Paul Lacklan and Sebastian York here tonight, but I’m sorry to inform the lot of you that neither man could be here tonight. York called me this morning to tell me that he had “Pork flu,” whatever that is, and Lacklan’s plane has been grounded in Maine. I’m frightfully sorry for all of this.
The fans in the bumper cars don’t stop to voice their disappointment.
Horatio Q.: However, a match was advertised to be taking place in this particular amusement park ride, and that’s exactly what we’ll have, right Tsarmina?
Tarsimina Bloodmoon: Da.
Horatio Q. So I’ve decided to move the dark match to this slot, to give these two young chaps a chance. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to “The Anarchist” Mitch Cashmore…
Mitch Cashmore, who has been talking strategy with himself the whole time, nods his head simply.
Steve Hebert: That guy is so against the establishment that he signed a contract with the establishment, Lex.
Horatio Q.: And his opponent, “The Most Extreme Man in Wrestling,” Kelvin Coolidge.
Kelvin Coolidge, who has been ogling Tsarmina Bloodmoon’s breasts this whole time, produces a flask from his wrestling gear and takes a long, hard swig.
Steve Hebert: Now this guy I like.
Horatio Q.: I want a jolly good show, chaps, so remember, the man who wins here moves on to the main event, a shot at the Sin Wrestling World Championship. Good luck!
Lex Robinson: Horatio Q. and Tsarmina leave the bumper car ride, and it looks like we’re ready to get this thing underway.
Steve Hebert: You know, I’ve been thinking. This match really should have taken place on the Tilt-a-Whirl. Or the Gravatron! Or maybe that lame school bus ride that rotates like a Ferris wheel, but it’s less fun because you know nobody’s going to fall off.
Lex Robinson: This amusement park doesn’t have those rides, Steve.
Steve Hebert: And you wonder why it’s abandoned.
Steve Hebert: Can you blame him? I wouldn’t listen to a guy who calls himself “The Anarchist,” either.
Lex Robinson: Cashmore seems none too pleased with that though, as he smacks the flask away from Coolidge. That gets Kelvin’s attention, as the most extreme man in wrestling looks up from his downed flask and shoves the Anarchist... right into the path of an oncoming bumper car!
Steve Hebert: It’s like watching a deer get nailed on the freeway!
Lex Robinson: Only that’s a human being!
Steve Hebert: I’m aware, faggot. That just makes it better.
Cashmore hits the steel floor of the bumper car arena after doing a full flip in the air. Kelvin Coolidge stalks his opponent, maybe looking to go for a pinfall, but he gets swiped by a bumper car, too!
Steve Hebert: Kelvin is hanging on for dear life!
Lex Robinson: He is! Kelvin Coolidge is hanging on to the tiny plastic thing that serves as a windshield, and like he was John McClain, he throws the driver out of the moving bumper car and commanders it for himself!
Steve Hebert: This guy is a fucking beast.
Kelvin careens his car all over the arena, hitting as many of the fans as he can. Finally, Mitch Cashmore gets to his feet, and Kelvin, seeing this, aims his bumper car at him. "The Anarchist" wisely dodges out of the way, sending Kelvin headlong into another bumper car, stopping his momentum dead!
Steve Hebert: It looks like Kelvin has hit one of the more drunk Ukranians in there, Lex, as you can literally see the bile rising in his throat... and... yes! He throws up all over his bumper car!
Lex Robinson: That’s absolutely disgusting, Steve, but Kelvin Coolidge seems to find it hilarious.
Steve Hebert: Because it is.
Kelvin throws his bumper car in reverse, pulling off a fancy move to make another pass at Mitch Cashmore! Mitch looks primed to dodge, but before he can, another fan catches him from behind, and sandwiches Mitch between his car and Kelvin’s!
Lex Robinson: Oh no! Mitch Cashmore could have a pair of broken legs!
Steve Hebert: And he’s trapped between the two bumper cars, which hit so hard that they crumpled on impact!
Lex Robinson: I thought bumper cars were made out of plastic.
Steve Hebert: In Soviet Russia, plastic isn’t possible.
Lex Robinson: That’s not how the joke works, Steve.
Steve Hebert: Who died and made you Yakov Schmirnoff?
Lex Robinson: Whatever. Kelvin Coolidge is getting out of his bumper car, hardly stopping to pay heed to a screaming Mitch Cashmore. He heads to the nearest support pillar and starts to climb it. I have no idea why he isn’t trying to take out a prone Cashmore.
Steve Hebert: Oh, he is.
Lex Robinson: Really? Because it looks like he’s turning the bumper car ride into a jungle gym.
Steve Hebert: I read on them internets that Kelvin Coolidge’s finishing move needs a reasonably tall building or something like that to work. That bumper car arena is at least twenty feet up. That’s reasonable.
Lex Robinson: He’s going to fall from twenty feet? What part of that sounds reasonable?
Steve Hebert: The twenty feet part.
Lex Robinson: I’m actually amazed that you looked that up.
Steve Hebert: I was trying to find Calvin Coolidge erotic fan fiction…the one where a woman bets she can make him come before he does the same to her, only Calvin wins so she tells her “You lose,” and walks off into the sunset, but I found that instead.
Lex Robinson: Kelvin has finally reached the ceiling of this structure, and he looks down on Mitch Cashmore, still trapped between the two crumpled bumper cars. He takes a deep breath and falls from the sky…landing a huge stunner on Mitch Cashmore!
Steve Hebert: Thirty Degrees Below! The most badass finisher of all time!
Lex Robinson: Kelvin goes for the cover...
...1...
Steve Heber: One...
...2...
Lex Robinson: Two...
Steve Hebert: Ring the bell already. I want to get an elephant ear.
...3!
Lex Robinson: It’s over! Kelvin Coolidge scores a huge win in his Sin Wrestling debut, subbing for Lacklan and Sebastian York, and now, like fellow newcomer Teresa Quaranta, has a chance to win the Sin Wrestling World Title in tonight’s main event!
Steve Hebert: Kelvin Coolidge don’t give a fuck about any World Titles. He just wants his flask back.
Kelvin Coolidge grabs his flask from the ground and takes another huge swig as the referee raises his hand in victory. As the medical staff tries to move through the swarming bumper cars to get to an injured Mitch Cashmore, Kelvin stumbles through the melee and back towards the dressing room, where he’ll wait for tonight’s main event.
Winner: Kelvin Coolidge
...Actually, no, he isn't dressed for Halloween. Turns out he really is dressed as a bum. Actually, furthermore, it turns out he really has become a bum. The last we saw him, Corey had learned that Eternity was cancelled; and things had gone to hell.
Coincidentally, Corey has gone there, also.
In his hands, he holds a piece of a paper -- a contract, to be exact. He is glumly whimpering to himself, listening as an abandoned carousel goes around and around... and around...
The camera zooms out, showing him on that carousel. What a pathetic image.
Corey Page: I can't believe it. I barely own it... my... my baby.
He looks around at the desolate state he's in.
Corey Page: I had to sell to these seedy Eurofags, giving them 75% ownership. What have I done? I've made the biggest mistake of my life.
This needless exposition continues as Corey circles around, the clanging and squeaking of the carousel resounding widely.
Corey Page: We're in freakin' Russia. A plane crashed on our way here. They're not even spending to get quality flights... and they're absolutely loaded with money. This is not good. I have to do something. I need to do something...
Out of nowhere, a child walks into view, speaking some European diarelect.
Corey Page: Huh...?
A random English speaking man steps into view, opting to translate.
Man: He said, "Who the fuck are you talking to?"
Corey looks around, feeling alone.
Corey Page: Good question. Good question, indeed. If only there was something I could do...
The child speaks again.
Corey Page: What did he say, again?
Man: He asked, "When are you getting off that ride?"
Looking sheepishly around, Corey groans.
Corey Page: I'm done, kid; I'm done.
Climbing off the merry-go-around, Corey walks off, wandering into the distance.
Chris Carson: I can't f'n believe this Horatio guy. Who does he think he is? And that Tsarmina guy... yes, I said guy. Now where is that goddamn light? I can't believe I have to do this -- I should still be the champ.
"Is that what you're looking for?"
Across the room, a light flickers on, showing the form of Andrew Hurley, who has a button in his hand.
Chris Carson: There ya go, fuckstick, now get over here, so I can kick your teeth in.
Hurley wastes no time in pushing the button. A rumbling can soon be heard, as the room begins to rattle.
Chris Carson: Ah, Jesus, now I'm going to have to kick your ass in this damp, dreary, piece o' shit basement.
Andrew Hurley: Come on, old man...
Barely able to see each other in the faint light, Hurley and Carson rush forward, hoping to catch the other by surprise.
Lex Robinson: ...Aaaaand here we go! We've got the footage in the basement of this old, abandoned warehouse! Who will win? Will someone be able to pin the other before the entire place collapses?
Steve Hebert: If we're lucky, the house will cave in on "The Creep" and he'll die.
Lex Robinson: Like in Poltergeist?
Steve Hebert: If only we can drag that tiny, fat old woman out of whatever hole she's in.
Lex Robinson: Hurley and Carson go right after each other! They go fist-for-fist, trying to quickly gain the upperhand, but Hurley wisely connects with a knee to Carson's crotch!
Steve Hebert: Which is always a smart move!
Lex Robinson: Applying a side-headlock, Hurley begins jabbing his knuckles into "The Creep"'s skull, giving him a noogie!
Steve Hebert: Good! Beat him!
However, "The Creep" finds the strength to hoist Andrew Hurley into the air and then heave him across the room, smashing him through several layers of wood!
Lex Robinson: Splinters galore! Hurley will be pulling splinters from his rear end for days.
Steve Hebert: If he has to go the wildcard match, he'll have to be wary of being thrown into an exploding coffin, which is probably ten times worse.
Lex Robinson: So very true. He'll have to win that in order to escape that predicament. Whoever wins, goes to the main event to fight for the World Title. The loser, of course, must face Shaku Endbringer, Kinsey Wells and Mitch Cashmore in the Wildcard Match!
Steve Hebert: Or as Horatio calls it "Last Chance to the Dance". Thank God for Horatio Q.
Lex Robinson: Stop sucking up.
Steve Hebert: Not in a million years.
Carson is quick to follow after Hurley, punching him repeatedly in the forehead. Picking him up, Carson throws Hurley towards a wooden girder, smashing him completely through it. As a result, more debris rains down, making the mansion even more unstable.
Steve Hebert: That place is coming down sooner than later, Lex.
Lex Robinson: "The Creep" is either going to have to pin Hurley -- or just get the heck out of here.
Steve Hebert: If I was there, I'd be out of there like me on an 18 year old webcam girl.
As Carson walks towards Andrew Hurley, he receives a sudden lowblow from his opponent, who hastily follows that up with a jumping uppercut! Grabbing a wooden box, Hurley throws it at "The Creep", smashing it into smithereens over Carson's back!
Lex Robinson: That box said "danger" on it!
Steve Hebert: Of course! That box just got smashed over Carson's back -- obviously it's dangerous.
Lex Robinson: Mmmhmm.
Stumbling back, Carson tries to regain his thoughts, but Hurley follows up behind him and smashes his face into the wall, collapsing even more of the roof!
Steve Hebert: Jesus, Hurley needs to get out of there. To hell with pinning the old fart.
Lex Robinson: He opts to continue dishing out the punishment, though. Picking up a 2x4, he wields in his hands... and...
Swinging the board at Carson's head, Hurley is taken back when "The Creep" ducks the shot, causing the board to snap in half against another wooden girder!
Steve Hebert: So close to killing the old windbag!
Lex Robinson: Andrew Hurley swiftly turns around, though, still grasping that board... wait!
Steve Hebert: What the shit?!
Picking up a random wandering rat, Carson throws it into Hurley's face, catching him absolutely off-guard. Dropping the board and hauling the clawing rat off his face, Hurley sputters and shouts, unable to protect himself from a steel bucket, which is flung at his head!
Steve Hebert: Oh God! "The Creep" cracks a steel bucket across Hurley's forehead! He picks him up, too... oh no...
Lex Robinson: Carson has Hurley by the hair... and throws him through a nearby wall, collapsing the entire space! Holy crap!
"The Creep", looking around at the building that's falling apart around him, backs off, shrugs his shoulders and begins looking for the exit.
Chris Carson: Time to get the fuck outta here.
Leaving behind the rumbling, Carson picks up a lantern and heads towards the exit. He goes to push open the door -- it doesn't budge.
Chris Carson: Now what?
He pushes again. It's stuck.
Chris Carson: Son of a...
Lex Robinson: Chris can't get that door open!
Steve Hebert: It's like God is finally working in my favour!
Once again, he tries pushing open the door; and still nothing. As the building slowly caves around him, he is struck from behind by Andrew Hurley, who connects with a kick to the kidneys!
Lex Robinson: Hurley, out of nowhere! He's going to try to get out of here!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Do it!
Bashing Carson's head a few more times, Andrew Hurley goes to open the door. It doesn't budge for him, either.
Steve Hebert: Damnit, just kick open the door... or something!
Lex Robinson: He's trying...!
Steve Hebert: Try harder!
Backing up, he goes to charge at the door, only to be stopped by Carson, who grips him by the arm. Swinging Hurley around, Carson elbows him in the forehead, grabs him by the hair and then flings him headfirst towards the door!
Lex Robinson: Andrew Hurley's head goes straight the door! There's an opening!
Carson pulls Hurley back, tossing him into the rubble that is falling to the floor. Looking at the opening Hurley's skull has created, Carson sticks his arm around and opens the door from the outside.
Chris Carson: To hell with this.
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson opens the door! He walks out! Chris Carson wins!
Walking into the light, "The Creep" leaves the abyss of the mansion's basement, letting it crash and crumble onto Andrew Hurley!
Steve Hebert: The goddamn building just fell on Andrew Hurley... and yet he has to wrestle in one more match!
Lex Robinson: "The Creep" has to wrestle in one more match, as well. The World Title Ladder Match, that is! How exciting! He could win back that gold, which he never rightfully lost!
Steve Hebert: Feh...
Walking around from the collapsed building, "The Creep" Chris Carson walks towards the carnival area, holding his arm in the air, the victor of this match, realizing he has another shot at the title. As he approaches, the fanfare grows in size, with the chanting for him becoming louder and louder.
Steve Hebert: Someone shut these idiots up. They'll get some "Creep" action later in the night.
Lex Robinson: Hey, they're rallying behind him now.
Steve Hebert: And what about poor Andrew Hurley?!
Lex Robinson: Well, he's in hard shape... as the referees help him out from the rubble.
Steve Hebert: Hell, he has a match right now!
Lex Robinson: That's why they're dragging him out, Steve.
Steve Hebert: Holy crap.
Andrew Hurley, on the other hand, is helped out of the carnage. Thanks to several referees, he is helped to the ring, having to fight the next match.
Winner: Chris Carson
Corey Page: Something must be done! I need some help. I need someone to will shake up things. Who will take no guff! Someone that hates dirty, smelly Europeans!
With that, Corey impulsively begins dialing a number on his phone. He lets it ring...
Corey Page: C'mon... c'mon... pick up...
...Ring...
......Ring......
.........Ring.........
Finally, a grizzled voice can be heard on the other end of the phone.
Voice: H- hello?
Corey Page: You! I know you and I don't like each other, but I need your help!
The voice replies back.
Voice: Sorry, I'm busy right now. I'm running a Negro Fighting event--...
The image transfers to that of Chris Extreme, millions of miles away, and on his phone. A ruckus can be heard in the background, as people are yelling, screaming and cheering.
Chris Extreme: I've got way more important matters to attend to.
Hanging up on Corey Page, Chris walks towards the raucous noise, bringing the camera's attention with him.
Chris Extreme: Go get him, Hakeem! I put all my money on you!
A large crowd of Caucasian descent has assembled around a fenced in area, including Chris Extreme, all of which are waving money about. Inside of this fence is two black men, who are beating the hell out of each other.
Flip back to Corey Page, who angrily shuts off his cellphone.
Corey Page: Hmph... now what?
Corey perks up, seeing the person in front of him. Stepping forward, Corey walks toward the person.
Corey Page: Finally! You're here! I thought you'd never arrive...
Voice: I still don't know what the fuck a Ukraine is.
The camera swings around, showing the image of Sin Wrestling Hall of Famer, Mike Phantasy!
Corey Page: I need you to deliver something. The state of Sin Wrestling is awful and something must be done.
Mike Phantasy: ...You called me half the world away just to deliver a message?
Corey Page: Yup, follow me.
Corey and Mike walk away, discussing their plans. When they're gone, the image fades out.
Steve Hebert: Jesus, I can't believe Andrew Hurley is actually out here.
Lex Robinson: Me neither. I mean... a freakin' house just fell on him!
Steve Hebert: Seriously. He'll end up in one of those things around the ring, soon enough.
Lex Robinson: He's referring to one of the 3 caskets that surround the ring.
The camera focuses on three of the caskets, which are rigged to explode once someone is thrown inside of them.
Steve Hebert: In order to win, you must toss all your opponents into of those. This is a career threatening match, don't you think?
Lex Robinson: Definitely. And Kinsey Wells was run over earlier in the night, so her career is as good as dead, anyhow!
Steve Hebert: You don't say. Speaking of which, here she cums. Tehehe.
"Reroute to Remain" by In Flames plays on the speakers. Kinsey Wells hobbles out, holding an ice pack to her head. Rolling inside the ring, she stands to her feet, not looking very good.
Lex Robinson: Jeez... the two people in the ring already look like crap.
Steve Hebert: Yep, they look like absolute shit. Good thing we have exploding caskets out here for them.
The arena lights dim and a fast guitar riff is heard, then drums kick in with a second guitar and red strobe lights flast furiously as out comes 'The Anarchist' Mitch Cashmore. He slowly walks down the ramp, staring directly to the ring, looking focused. He climbs into the ring and sits in the corner, speaking to himself, waiting for things to commence.
Steve Hebert: "The Anarchist" is here, too! What, exactly, is he rebelling against, anyhow? Decent wrestling?
Lex Robinson: Touche. Don't make him angry or he'll burn down your house or rape your dog.
Steve Hebert: Pffft... that's a regular Saturday afternoon, for me. Now bring out that posterboy for HGH.
The lights dim out, as an icy blue mist pours from the rampway. "You're Going Down" by the Sick Puppies plays through the air and the fans get on their feet. Out of the mist walks Shaku Endbringer, parting the smoke and stepping into the strobe lights on the rampway as the arena cheers.
Shaku Endbringer raises his pool cue high into the air, as fans cheer all around him and sparks shimmer down. He casually paces to the ring, dressed in long black pants, with blue flames up the sides. He has a trench coat covering the rest of his body, his eyes darkened in sunglasses.
Shaku makes it to the ring, slapping the hands of the fans at ringside, then slides under the bottom rope and into the ring. In here, he steps up onto the turnbuckles, climbs to the middle rope, and then raises his pool cue high into the air as the crowd lights up in cheers. Stepping down and taking off his coat and glasses, he hands the pool cue to the ring girl, wraps his arms around the top rope and stretches himself out as the music softly fades.
Lex Robinson: Here he is! Shaku Endbringer! He is poisted and ready to fight! He feels he was screwed over earlier in the night and should already be in the main event. In the backstage area, he was fuming mad and he wants to make up for it.
Steve Hebert: It was probably 'roid rage.
Lex Robinson: Ehhh...
Steve Hebert: C'mon, you can't refute it.
Waiting for the match to begin, Shaku tests the ropes and looks at one of the caskets. Overhearing the bell, he darts across the ring, attacking Kinsey Wells, much to the joy of the fans, who love his explosiveness!
Lex Robinson: Shaku attacks! He's also the most rested of these three men, too!
Steve Hebert: He's going right after Kinsey Wells! What a wifebeater!
Lex Robinson: She's barely able to defend herself... and the other two guys jump in, attacking her, as well!
Steve Hebert: Those bastards!
Lex Robinson: ...Suddenly, Hurley and Mitch Cashmore are going after Shaku, who will have none of that! Grabbing them each by the head, Shaku hoists Hurley into the air with one hand and throws him to the outside--...
Steve Hebert: Hurleying him into a casket!
Lex Robinson: Andrew Hurley has been eliminated, thanks to Shaku using one hand to throw him into that casket!
Eliminated: Andrew Hurley
Steve Hebert: He may have been burn to pieces, too! He may not even be in one piece!
Lex Robinson: Mitch Cashmore is in the same predicament...
With one hand, Shaku holds Mitch on his shoulder, runs forward and then throws him into another open casket!
Eliminated: Mitch Cashmore
Steve Hebert: What an explosion! Holy Jesus, I haven't seen an explosion like that since in my pants, on prom night.
Lex Robinson: Just like that, it's down to two! Shaku Endbringer and Kinsey Wells are all that remain. Trying to take the initiatrive, Kinsey runs up from behind Shaku and jumps on his back, clawing at his eyes!
Steve Hebert: Good! Rip that roidhead's eyeballs out! It's the only way. Maybe even rip out a noodle or two from his arm.
It's all in vein, though, as Shaku easily flips her around, pushes her into the air, in a chokehold position and then flings her over the top rope, to the floor!
Lex Robinson: Kinsey Wells crashes into the final open casket!
Lex Robinson: Shaku wins! Shaku wins! He goes to the main event!
Steve Hebert: Oh, holy awful.
Lex Robinson: He'll have the chance to compete for the World Title... while the rest of these guys will need medical attention!
Shaku Endbringer is shown watching a ring attendant place the ladder in the ring, in preparation for the main event. Alternatively, Andrew Hurley rolls out of the casket, with burns on several parts of his body, laughing like a madman, while the attendants get ready for the main event...
Winner: Shaku Endbringer
Ladder Match
Lex Robinson: All right, folks, it's main event time!
Steve Hebert: Thank God, I'm freezing.
Lex Robinson: A lot has gone down tonight--...
Steve Hebert: All thanks to our new management, too!
Lex Robinson: They have exerted much control. Maybe even a little too much. Corey Page certainly thinks so.
Steve Hebert: Corey Page needs to eat an AIDS-dipped bullet. Horatio and Tsarmina are tits. They've got people bleeding... we're going to have a new World Champion! Has Corey Page ever done that?! Fuck him.
Lex Robinson: You've got to be absolutely kidding me.
Steve Hebert: Trust me, I'm not. Look at the new talent they've gotten, so far. Shaku Endbringer... well, he's big and dumb... and he has noodles popping out of his veins, but he's decent, at least. Teresa Quaranta is one chick that could beat the shit out of anyone, including me.
Lex Robinson: To be fair, anyone could.
Steve Hebert: Hey now! We can't forget about Kelvin Coolidge, the former PResident of the United States. The fact that we have a former president wrestling for us is pretty impressive, don't you think?
Lex Robinson: ...Uh... yeah...
"Goin Down Now" hits the PA as a huge fucking pyro goes off. Kelvin rides a 4x4 with truck nuts down to the ring and gets out with a loaded shotgun. Rolling into the ring, he fires it off in the air, like he's jacking it off to more pyro. He does this four times and then lights a cigar before the match, while his chihuahua applauds on the floor.
Steve Hebert: See?! It's the former President! Look at him fire that gun! He even aims it at the title that hangs above the ladder. Shoot it off, Kelvin! This motherfucker is crazy. Maybe he has an AIDS-dipped bullet for Corey Page, too!
Lex Robinson: He's an odd person, to say the least.
Steve Hebert: He has a nice chihuahua, too.
Lex Robinson: It's a dangerous place for a dog, I have no idea why it's out here.
Steve Hebert: Let's pet it.
Lex Robinson: Let's not. Besides, we have the next competitor coming out.
Steve Hebert: Oh, goodie.
The spotlights in the arena pulsate, slowly getting dimmer, in tune to the primal opening of Arcarsenal. The video screen above the entrance lights up, showing a series of highlights and finishers intercut with static - then, with the lights down, a soft spotlight focuses on the top of the ramp as Teresa Quaranta storms through the curtain, smirking and raising a slight eyebrow at the audience. The screen flashes:
"I MUST HAVE ROBBED THEM OF THEIR CAUSE."
Teresa pauses here - and deliberately raises her hand to her neck for a few seconds, then her wrist. Once her pulse is checked, she takes a deep breath, pivots a little bit and turns to the crowd as she comes down the ropes, sticking her nose up slightly and saying some snide stuff to a couple of fans. As she reaches the ring, she rolls under the bottom rope, pops up to her feet. and leans against the turnbuckle waiting for the match to start.
Steve Hebert: There she is -- Teresa Quaranta! By all rights, she alone should have moved on to this match; and not Shaku, but I'll live.
Lex Robinson: To be fair, they both made it at the same time.
Steve Hebert: But his noodle-like veins scare the bejesus out of me.
Lex Robinson: Point taken. Then again, it is Halloween, afterall.
Steve Hebert: If only Michael Myers was with us, and not stuck doing shitty remakes with Rob Zombie.
Lex Robinson: Yeah, Halloween 2 was truly terrible.
Steve Hebert: They're making Halloween 3-D now, too. Can you believe that? Holy Jesus, who thought this would be a good idea?!
Lex Robinson: Our summertime movie review is over, now let's watch Teresa inside the ring.
Steve Hebert: Shaku glares longingly at her, too. If he fucked her, he'd probably break her in half with his big, meaty cock. He probably ejaculates HGH.
Lex Robinson: Fortunately for him, he's included in this ladder match. He even tossed some people into exploding caskets to prove his point, which is a lot more that can be said about some other people.
Steve Hebert: Yeah, some real lackluster performances tonight. How disappointing. I gotta give kudos to Shaquille O'Neal for dumping them into those caskets, though.
Lex Robinson: Yes, well, Shaku wants to fight. And he wants that World Title. Speaking of which, here comes the former World Champ...
The sound of a car engine starting revs onto the speakers and roars from acceleration, transitioning into the opening of Rev Theory's "Kill the Headlights". The reverb from the guitar coincides with a glow from the SinTron that slowly intensifies and spells out "CREEP" in headlights.
The crowd is on its feet as Chris Carson come out onto the entrance stage, ready to fight. With the World Title around his waist, Carson throws up his right hand, index finger and pinky extended at to the side like a "C". The headlights behind him throb to the music as Carson walks to the ring, slapping hands with the fans.
Just kill the headlights
Kill the headlights
I want you to see all that's inside
You'll get where you want
Take your hands off the wheel
You've got all you need on the inside
Just kill the headlights
Turn the radio up
Carson climbs into the ring and removes his belt, mounting the turnbuckles and lifting his title with a roar. He flashes the horns once again to the crowd, then retreats to other corner, removing his T-shirt and setting it on the top turnbuckle. Carson taps his chest twice with his fist, then touches his fist to the picture of his son on the T-shirt. Carson then sets the shirt and his title aside, already looking for his opponent.
Lex Robinson: "The Creep" has arrived, much to the fanfare of everyone in attendance!
Steve Hebert: He looks good without that belt, too. The only good things to come out of Sin Wrestling being canceled was (a) me not having to work; and (b) Chris Carson being stripped of the title.
Lex Robinson: Eh, yeah, he was forced to vacate it. I mean, what else could he do?
Steve Hebert: I'm just upset that we didn't get to see him lose horribly, having his shoulders pinned to the mat. That would have been hilarious... that old fogie.
Chris Carson steps into the corner, leans against the turnbuckle pads and glares at his fellow opponents.
Lex Robinson: "The Creep" is the only Sin Wrestling veteran in this match, Steve. If he is unable to walk out as the champ, it means someone new will. That hasn't been done since Charlotte West won the World Title back in 2004.
Steve Hebert: Jesus, has it really been that long?
Lex Robinson: Oh, it has.
Steve Hebert: My God, my life hasn't progressed at all.
Lex Robinson: Ditto. Ah well, at least we have this match to entertain us.
Steve Hebert: Good point. Someone kick off Carson's head.
The bell rings and all four combatants calmly walk around the ladder, eyeing the prize at the top. Neither person wants to be the one that lets his/her guard down, allowing for someone to climb to the top, so things begin rather cautiously.
Lex Robinson: They circle around that ladder, not wanting to make an offensive move. Right now, it's all about the defense.
Steve Hebert: That doesn't last long! Teresa Quaranta is the first to strike, as she goes right after fan-favourite, Chris Carson! These idiot fans are not liking that.
Lex Robinson: Yup, she swats at him with a quick kick to the gut, followed by some blistering chops to the chest. Cornering him, she connects with some lefts and rights, even hitting some back-elbows to his jaw. Looking over her shoulder, she watches as Kelvin Coolidge quickly begins to scurry up the side of the ladder!
Steve Hebert: Hah! He knows what to do!
Lex Robinson: Both Teresa and Shaku Endbringer move in on him, though. Shaku yanks him off the steel rungs, bops him in the skull with a closed-fist and forces him to turn around, only to meet a stiff overhanded-chop from Teresa!
Stumbling backwards, Kelvin walks towards Shaku, who lifts him up into a bodyslam position... only to wiggle his way safely behind him. With fast thinking, Coolidge quickly pushes Shaku from behind, smashing him into Teresa, forcing them to rebound off each other.
Lex Robinson: Thanks to Kelvin Coolidge, Shaku and Teresa Quaranta smack into each other!
Steve Hebert: That big, dumb idiot just crashed into her!
Lex Robinson: He was pushed! Kelvin snickers at this, thinking he has one-upped them. Unfortunately for him, Chris Carson walks behind him, bumping his chest into him.
Steve Hebert: Aw, crap.
Lex Robinson: The smirk fades from his face, as he turns around... only to be struck hard by Chris Carson, dropping him on his back!
Steve Hebert: It goes from bad-to-worse! Carson is all over Coolidge, striking him with a flurry of fists. Picking him up, he backs him against the ropes, chops him hard across the chest and whips him across the ring. Oh no...
Lex Robinson: "The Creep" ducks down, looking for a backdrop...
Steve Hebert: Wait, no! Kelvin Coolidge wisely stops in his tracks and connects with a kneelift to "The Creep"'s hideous face! He then hits an enziguiri!
Popping up to his feet, Kelvin plays to the audience, who begin jeering him. Looking to his right, he notices Teresa and Shaku exchange some shots, seeing Shaku on the winning end of some punches to Teresa's skull, thinking he is far too busy to interrupt him this time.
Steve Hebert: Once again, Kelvin is going to climb that ladder!
Lex Robinson: I don't know if this is a good idea!
Steve Hebert: Here he goes...
He climbs the first rung... and the second... and the third...
Lex Robinson: He's getting up there...
Meanwhile, Teresa ducks a large right-handed shot from Shaku, enabling her to drop to her rear-end and use her right leg to kick Shaku squarely between the legs.
Steve Hebert: Teresa Quaranta kicks veiny Shaku in the balls, but that doesn't stop Kelvin's climbing!
Just as Steve speaks, Teresa brings both of her legs and feet together and uses them to connect with a stifling mule kick to Shaku's chest! The force of the blow thrusts Shaku out of the corner, knocking him into the steel ladder!
Steve Hebert: Oh no!
Lex Robinson: The ladder topples over... and Kelvin Coolidge goes flying, clotheslining himself off the top rope!
Steve Hebert: That wasn't supposed to happen!
Lex Robinson: Teresa Quaranta is quickly back up and begins to capitalize on the happenings. On her feet, she connects with a jumping knee to the back of Shaku, sandwiching him against the ladder, which also remains laying across the ropes.
Turning around, she faces "The Creep", who is just getting to a kneeling position.
Lex Robinson: Teresa dropkicks "The Creep", keeping him down!
Jumping back up, she turns around and views Kelvin Coolidge, who is now on his knees across the middle rope. Charging towards him, she hurls herself through the air and comes crashing down with a lunge onto his back, choking him across the middle rope!
Steve Hebert: Teresa is going nuts in there!
Lex Robinson: You're right, Steve, she's taking advantage of the situation. In fact, she's even getting that ladder and is trying to level it up underneath the World Title.
Steve Hebert: She's going to do it!
Seeing Kelvin stumble to his feet, she watches as he awkwardly walks around, trying to regain his senses and breathing. Just as he turns around, though, he steps right into a Roundhouse Kick from Teresa!
Steve Hebert: Bam! Now, return to climbing that ladder!
Lex Robinson: Having kicked Kelvin Coolidge away, Teresa goes right back to that ladder. Here she goes...
One step... two step... three...
Lex Robinson: Here comes Chris Carson!
Steve Hebert: That old bag grabs her from behind, much to the delight of those equally stupid fans! Nailing her with a double-axehandle, he haults her progress and yanks her off the ladder, holding her into the air...
Lex Robinson: Only to crotch her across the top rope!
Steve Hebert: He just split her vagina open!
Turning away, leaving her hanging on the ropes, Chris Carson ducks a running clothesline from Shaku, who bounces off the ropes and returns, using his other arm to clothesline a hanging Teresa Quaranta!
Steve Hebert: Oh shit...!
The force of the blow sends Teresa flipping off the top rope, sending her all the way to the floor!
Lex Robinson: Oh my God, what a clothesline! Teresa flips all the way to the floor... landing on her face!
Steve Hebert: That pretty face!
Both Carson and Shaku watch as Teresa lands on the floor. When they turn their attention back towards each other, they immediately come to blows, exchanging fists, kicks and headbutts with each other!
Lex Robinson: Shaku and Carson are going at it, now! Fist-for-fist... blow-for-blow... both men stumble back... and they headbutt each other! This knocks them both loopy... allowing for Kelvin Coolidge to come charging at them!
Steve Hebert: Yes!
Lex Robinson: But they see him and they both duck down, backdropping him through the air, sending him over the top rope and to the floor! He lands with an awful thud! Right next to Teresa!
Steve Hebert: Oh God.
Lex Robinson: In the meantime, Shaku and Carson return to fighting, sending shots at each other, until they are both dazed. At the same time, they both bounce off the opposite set of ropes, sending shoulderblocks at each other. Shaku's strength is so much, that he knocks Carson off his feet, getting the advantage.
Noticing every one of his opponents is currently down, Shaku turns towards the ladder, which had been set-up by Teresa. With some quick thinking, he walks towards it and begins to ascend.
Steve Hebert: Shaku is climbing the ladder. Dear God no, don't let him win. I'd rather have the corpse of Flame descend from the rafters and grab that title.
Lex Robinson: Slowly, he's climbing up those rungs... he may get it!
Seconds later, Teresa and Kelvin enter the ring at the same time. A hurting Kelvin is the first to reach Shaku, as he connects with a lowblow, haulting Shaku's climb.
Steve Hebert: Yes! A smart move on behalf of Kelvin Coolidge! No wonder he was President of the United States!
Lex Robinson: As he continues to wallop away on Shaku, Teresa comes from behind, leaps onto Kelvin's shoulders and propels herself into the air...! She connects with a back-brain kick to Shaku Endbringer, while in mid-air!
Steve Hebert: Don't be silly! Shaku doesn't have a brain!
Lex Robinson: This shot leaves him completely befuddled, unable to continue his climb, as if the lowblow wasn't enough. Jumping to her feet, Teresa begins to climb the otherside of the ladder!
Steve Hebert: Get up there, Teresa!
Lex Robinson: Within seconds, she's with eye level to Shaku, who cautiously remains hanging to the ladder, with Kelvin continuing to punch away at him, from below.
Steve Hebert: Teresa is almost there! Shaku is too busy dealing with Kelvin Coolidge to stop her!
Even higher than Shaku, Teresa is now able to reach out for the World Title...
Steve Hebert: She's got it...!
Lex Robinson: Her fingers graze the title...
Steve Hebert: Just a little more...
Out of everyone's sight, Chris Carson has gotten to his feet. Noticing Teresa reach for the title, which he still perceives as his, he hurries towards the ladder and begins to climb.
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson is now just underneath Teresa Quaranta!
Steve Hebert: Uh oh. Reach, Teresa, reach! Don't let that old man feel you up. Hell, don't let him get his grubby little hands on that title, either.
Lex Robinson: Soon, Carson is directly under Teresa, positioning her on his shoulders! In a matter of seconds, he pulls her off the top rungs... and falls back, hitting an Electric Chair Drop off the top of that ladder!
Both he and Teresa go plunging to the canvas, sending the crowd into an uproar!
Lex Robinson: My God!
Steve Hebert: Gravity just killed them both!
Lex Robinson: Only Shaku remains on the ladder, now. And he's still dealing with Kelvin Coolidge, who has him by the ankle, trying to drag him down.
Thinking fast, Kelvin moves around to the other side of the ladder. He rapidly ascends the other side, while Shaku tries reaching out for the World Title, shrugging off the previous damage done to him.
Steve Hebert: Kelvin is now up with Shaku, who may be too big to pull down; so Kelvin will try go level with him.
Lex Robinson: Up here, Kelvin repeatedly hits him with forearms, trying to knock him off the ladder, but to no avail, as this only aggravates Shaku! Looking horrified, Kelvin cannot defend himself as Shaku grabs him by the throat!
Steve Hebert: Oh no! This isn't good!
Lex Robinson: Shaku is going to chokeslam him...!
Steve Hebert: Kelvin Coolidge is using his elbow to try and fight Shaku off... but it's all no good! Son of a bitch.
Lex Robinson: Chokeslam off the top of the ladder by Shaku, onto Kelvin Coolidge! They both go falling from the air! Bam!
Steve Hebert: Everyone's down! Only the ladder remains standing, wobbling back and forth. Holy shit. The ladder is obviously the new World Champion. All hail the ladder!
Lex Robinson: Shaku Endbringer is down... Kelvin Coolidge is down... Chris Carson is down... and so is Teresa Quaranta. Who will be the first to move?!
Steve Hebert: Hopefully not "The Creep".
Within seconds of stating that, "The Creep" begins to rise, getting to a kneeling position.
Steve Hebert: Crap.
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson is rising. Stumbling into the center of the ring, he makes his way towards the ladder, looks up and views the gold dangling from above. However, Teresa Quaranta is also moving, now.
Steve Hebert: Thank Christ.
Lex Robinson: As he goes to climb, Teresa reaches out to his foot and grasps onto it, not relinquishing it. Annoyed, Carson hops off the ladder, only to receive a stiff-uppercut to the jaw from Teresa!
Steve Hebert: Yes! Taking a deep breather, she jumps up and then clobbers him with a roaring-elbow! ROAR!
Lex Robinson: She watches Carson stumble into the corner, holding his face, and then opts not to climb the ladder. Instead, she folds it and leans it against the turnbuckle pads, in the opposite corner. What's she up to?
Going into the opposite corner, she connects with a hard kick to "The Creep"'s ribcage and goes to Irish-whip him across the ring. At the last second, though, he reverses the whip and sends her storming towards the ladder, in which she smashes against!
Lex Robinson: Ow! So much for that!
Steve Hebert: She crunches against the ladder... and Carson is going to follow her in!
Lex Robinson: ...Oh no...!
As he charges, he actually somersaults, trying to use his body to inflict more damage upon Teresa. Unfortunately, she sees him coming and decides to dodge this bullet by ducking to her right.
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson goes somersaulting into the ladder, landing upside-down!
Steve Hebert: Good! Serves him right!
Lex Robinson: Teresa takes advantage of this, too; by tying his legs across the rungs, keeping him locked there. Using the adjacent set of middle ropes, she springs off, landing with a body splash onto Carson, who is sandwiched into the steel ladder!
Teresa Quaranta rises, pleased with the damage she's done. Turning around, she views Shaku charge at her. Her thoughts rapidly change and she side-steps his attack, only to drop-toe-hold him towards the ladder! He's about to land on "The Creep", but at the last second, Chris Carson performs a sit-up, making Shaku smash onto the ladder, as well!
Steve Hebert: Both Shaku and Chris Carson are on that ladder!
Lex Robinson: "The Creep" was able to avoid danger, at the last possible second! How close was that?
Steve Hebert: Not close enough. Sliding out of the ring, Teresa walks around, gathering her thoughts... and then grabs a steel chair!
Lex Robinson: Actually, she pushes the ring announcer out of the way and grabs his chair.
Steve Hebert: Hey, if it works, it works.
Sliding into the ring with the chair, she sets it up in the middle portion of the ring. Moving into the corner opposite of Carson and Shaku, she springs forward and launches herself off the chair...
Lex Robinson: Here comes Teresa...
Both Chris Carson and Shaku Endbringer see her coming, with both of them rolling out of the way, just in time -- Shaku to the left; Carson to the right.
Lex Robinson: And now it's her turn to go crashiing into that ladder!
Steve Hebert: Agh!
Kelvin Coolidge witnesses the crashlanding and crawls towards the chair in the center of the ring. Picking it up, he gets to his feet and then heaves it towards Shaku, who cautiously stumbles from the corner.
Lex Robinson: Shaku catches the chair!
Steve Hebert: Oh God no.
Lex Robinson: He blasts the chair across Kelvin's forehead!
Steve Hebert: Poor Kelvin. He goes flailing to the floor, his head busted open!
Lex Robinson: Still wielding the chair, Shaku turns around... and then views Chris Carson charge at him, with the ladder in his hands. In order to protect himself, Shaku smashes the chair at the ladder, stopping the shot. However, Chris Carson swings around, smacking him across the back of the skull! Down goes Shaku, onto one knee, holding the back of his skull!
Steve Hebert: Teresa will put an end to this...
Chris Carson places the ladder on his shoulders, putting his head between the rungs. As he turns around, he swings the side of the ladder at Teresa, who ducks beneath the swinging attack, but is unable to escape the second.
Lex Robinson: Teresa was lucky to dodge the first shot; but Carson quickly rotates and bashes her across the head!
Steve Hebert: Maybe Kelvin Coolidge can stop this foolishness! Bloodied and all, he rolls into the ring...
Lex Robinson: ...and gets blasted in his bloody head, as well!
Steve Hebert: But... but... he was supposed to destroy "The Creep"!
Lex Robinson: It didn't happen. Instead, Shaku gets back, slightly groggy... and comes up from behind on Carson...
Steve Hebert: Oh God, he's going to rape him...
Like a flash, Shaku wraps his arms around Carson's waist and then release German suplexes him, flinging him overhead, dropping him on the ladder!
Lex Robinson: Holy mother of...!
Steve Hebert: Shaku just broke Chris Carson's neck! There's no other option. Carson may be dead. Thank God. At least he was killed before old age got him.
Lex Robinson: Ripping the ladder away from a writhing Chris Carson's clutches, Shaku sets it up beneath the hanging title, setting his sights on the prize.
Steve Hebert: The man with the stupidest name on the planet is beginning another ascent to the title.
Lex Robinson: Here he goes, Steve...
With each rung, Shaku climbs higher. Eventually, he is near the top, reaching out for the title, glory almost in his hands...
Lex Robinson: He almost has the title...! We're going to have a new champ!
Steve Hebert: Ughhh...
Lex Robinson: Wait, no!
Out of nowhere, a chair blasts across the back of Shaku! Holding the chair that she originally brought in, Teresa is shown wielding it and then cracking it across Shaku's back for a second time!
Steve Hebert: Those shots are absolutely lethal! Listen to them!
...Bam...!
Lex Robinson: And there's a third one! Shaku has no other option but to fall to the ground, landing on his knees! He was so close to that title, too!
Placing Shaku's head between the seat and the back of the chair, Teresa gives him a kick, keeping him in prime position. Moving to the outer part of the ring apron, she gets a set of boos from the crowd, as she uses the top rope as a springboard and flies through the air.
Steve Hebert: She's going to decapitate him...!
Tucking both feet together, she flying double-stomps Shaku, squishing his head into the seat of the chair, like a grape!
Lex Robinson: Holy cow, that was sickening!
Steve Hebert: If he had brains, they would be mushing out through his eye sockets and ears. Yech!
Lex Robinson: If that wasn't bad enough, after she lands on the apron, she jets towards the ladder, hoping to get to the top...
The fans are flustered. Teresa reaches into the air, but is quickly taken off-balance when Chris Carson bounces off the ropes and returns by shoulderblocking the ladder!
Lex Robinson: The ladder falls over... but Teresa was able to jump into the air and grab onto the title! She might have it! If only she can pull it off...!
Steve Hebert: She's dangling for her dear life, trying to hold on!
Lex Robinson: Carson moves in, trying to grab hold of her, but she kicks him away, pushing him against the ropes. Using momentum to bounce out, Carson springs back towards her. She tries to kick him away again, but he fights the attempts off and grabs her, pulling her down from the title, placing her in a powerbomb position!
Thrashing wildly at Carson's head, repeatedly jabbing him with punches, she tries to rescue herself from this predicament, only to wind up falling throat-first across the top rope!
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson with the Guillotine Backdrop! Slowly, he climbs to a standing position, only to be attacked by Kelvin Coolidge, who kicks him in the kidneys.
Steve Hebert: Better watch out, or Carson will piss himself.
Lex Robinson: Luckily for "The Creep", he's able to turn around and block a right hand from Kelvin! He strikes once... twice... three in a row! Bloodied and bruised, Kelvin cannot defend himself, as Carson strikes for a fourth time, nailing him with a vicious standing lariat!
Chris Carson places the ladder on the ring, laying it on its side. He turns toward Shaku, who is only now beginning to stand, grabs him with a front-facelock and goes to drop him with a DDT onto the ladder. However, before he can, Teresa gets up and charges at "The Creep"...!
Lex Robinson: Teresa is up and goes to clothesline Carson... he ducks! He grabs her from behind...
Without hesitation, Chris Carson drops down, DDTing Shaku onto the ladder, while also giving Teresa a neckbreaker on it!
Lex Robinson: The fans are on their feet, cheering for Chris Carson!
Steve Hebert: It's definitely Halloween, because that's horrifying.
Lex Robinson: Chris is quick to stand back up, breathing hard. Shoving two of his opponents off the ladder, he kicks them and then commences setting the ladder up.
Steve Hebert: Ugh. He can barely climb that. What if he falls and breaks a hip?
Lex Robinson: To be fair, he's already fallen off it tonight... and, well, he seems fine.
Steve Hebert: Fine, he'll break his neck, then. I don't care. I hope he dies one way or another.
Very slowly, he begins climbing, with the fans firmly rallying behind him. At 3/4 of the way up, he begins reaching for the title, almost having it in his hands.
Lex Robinson: Carson's reaching for it...
As he skyward, a still bleeding Kelvin Coolidge fortunately stumbles towards the ladder and begins climbing beneath "The Creep".
Steve Hebert: Yes! Kelvin is here and he'll stop Chris Carson! With blood pouring into his eyes, Kelvin blindly climbs the ladder, stands below "The Creep"... and... bites him in on the asshole!
Lex Robinson: Oh dear.
Steve Hebert: Not only that, but this means "The Creep" is going to turn into a zombie! Hell, he already looks like one, anyhow.
Lex Robinson: Uh, no. Kelvin refuses to let go, his teeth sinking into Carson's rear-end, like Edward Cullen!
Steve Hebert: Like Michael Jackson -- god rest his dead, gay soul -- chomping down on a 7 year old boy!
Hollering out in pain and shock, Chris tries to make Kelvin relinquish the biting. The only relief comes when Shaku Endbringer stands to his feet, hovers over and attacks Kelvin from behind -- just as Teresa Quaranta stands and begins climbing, as well!
Lex Robinson: Using his strength, Shaku pulls Kelvin down, possibly ripping some flesh from Chris Carson's, uh...
Steve Hebert: From his asshole. C'mon, Lex.
Lex Robinson: Well, yes. Meanwhile, Teresa is now fighting to get to the top, trying to fend off a defense from "The Creep", whose behind is probably bleeding.
Steve Hebert: I'm sure it isn't be the first time.
Lex Robinson: Quaranta is able to rise to the top, trading punches with Chris Carson; while Shaku holds Kelvin up into a powerbomb position. He charges forward...
Without a care in the world, Shaku sends Kelvin Coolidge flying through the air with a powerbomb, sending him all the way to the outside, where he crashes onto a pile of fans!
Steve Hebert: Holy shit! Shaku Endbringer just took out the first 5 rows of fans! Unfortunately, he uses Kelvin Coolidge's body to do so! Where's the Secret Service when you truly need them?!
Lex Robinson: Dear God, what carnage!
Steve Hebert: I know! I love it!
In the center of the ring, Teresa and "The Creep" remain atop the ladder, slugging it out, trying to grab the title. It swings back and forth, landing in each other's grasps at several times...
Lex Robinson: Chris Carson has the title...!
Steve Hebert: No! Teresa Quaranta nails him with a forearm! The title swings back to her; she has it! She's going to pull it down!
Lex Robinson: No! Chris Carson grabs her by the hair and then smashes her face off the top of the ladder! They both hand onto that title, now!
Steve Hebert: Here comes Shaku Endbringer, that big, dumb oaf...
Placing both hands on the ladder, Shaku rips it out from beneath both of his competitors!
Lex Robinson: He pulls the ladder away...! This time, they're both hanging!
Steve Hebert: What the shit?!
Lex Robinson: As they dangle in the air, Carson and Teresa kick each other, while Shaku takes the ladder in his hands, holds it sideways and then bashes both of them with it!
Steve Hebert: It's futile, though. It does absolutely nothing. They're still hanging there!
Lex Robinson: Shaku tries to bash them again... but they are both able to pull themselves up, enabling them to go over the attack! Instead, they both give a dangling kick to the back of Shaku, sending him stumbling towards the ropes, and falling to the floor!
Steve Hebert: That ladder goes falling with him, too! We don't even have a freakin' ladder!
Lex Robinson: It's not like "The Creep" and Teresa Quaranta mind. They're just dangling there, still holding onto that title, trying to become the new champ!
Continuing to kick at each other, both competitors look for the edge, with Teresa eventually pulling herself upwards, into an upside-down position, allowing her to safely lock her legs around the rope that dangles from above!
Lex Robinson: Teresa is hanging upside-down, now...!
Steve Hebert: ...the hell?
Lex Robinson: "The Creep" is going to let go! There's nothing he can do!
Steve Hebert: And she's biting at his hands! "The Creep" is like a candy apple, tonight! Everyone's biting him!
Unable to hold on any longer, Chris Carson is forced to release his hold of the title, making him fall to the canvas!
Lex Robinson: "The Creep" is down! He's unable to reach up and grab Teresa, too! She's too far up for him!
Steve Hebert: She's pulling off the title! She's going to do it!
In a safe position, Teresa is able to yank the title off the rope, thereby giving herself the victory -- and the World Title!
Steve Hebert: She did it! She did it, Lex!
Lex Robinson: Oh my...!
Steve Hebert: Teresa Quaranta has become the new World Champion!
Lex Robinson: Only the second person to ever win the World Title on their very first night!
Steve Hebert: Charlotte West, eat your heart out. She probably would, too, because I've heard she's been institutionalized.
Lex Robinson: Oh, stop it.
Steve Hebert: Fine! But only because Teresa Quaranta is the new World Champion!
The fans are in an uproar, not knowing how to react. Some boo, some cheer; but overall, there's a frenzy of excitement! Teresa falls to the canvas, clutching her newly won World Title close to her chest!
Lex Robinson: This is amazing! She proved she wanted it most. You gotta respect that, I guess. Although, I don't necessarily respect the methods she used in this match...
Steve Hebert: Oh, come on. She fought hard.
Standing up, Teresa Quaranta holds her newly won World Title high in the air, getting a mixed ovation from the fans! However, everyone's attention soon turns behind her...
Lex Robinson: Wait a second...
Steve Hebert: Who is that...?
Lex Robinson: ...it's Stevie Swing!
Steve Hebert: Oy vey.
Lex Robinson: She's here... she's... she's attacking Teresa Quaranta!
From behind, Stevie Swing attacks Teresa Quaranta, while Chris Carson walks to the back; and Shaku tries regaining his senses, on the floor. Lacking remorse, Stevie wildly attacks Teresa, firmly dropping her onto the canvas with The Last Dance superkick!
Steve Hebert: Holy shit, what is Stevie up to?! What are these shenadigans?!
Lex Robinson: She's gone nuts... as if she wasn't already.
Steve Hebert: Good enough for me!
After kicking the snot out of Teresa, Stevie walks into the corner and grabs the microphone from the ring announcer. Standing over the new World Champ, Stevie bends over, plucks the World Title out from under her and holds it over her shoulder.
Stevie Swing: You can't just walk in here and take this. Are you insane? Has the whole world gone insane?!
Steve Hebert: Probably.
Lex Robinson: Shhh.
Steve Hebert: I'll be damned to Jew-hell if I let some random person walk in here and hold this title. I'm taking it and keeping it. It doesn't belong to you!
Stevie throws down the microphone, dropping it on Teresa Quaranta, getting jeers from the audience. Keeping the World Title with her, Stevie exits the ring and walks to the back.
The final image is that of Teresa Quaranta coming to and searching for her title. Fade out.
Winner: Teresa Quaranta
Horatio Q: We did it! Our first show is a success! New World Champ! New prices! New everything!
He holds up a Sin Wrestling t-shirt.
Horatio Q: What a great show! We're gonna have to raise the price of this shirt to... 100 dollars! Yes, yes!
He rubs his chin, thinking to himself.
Horatio Q: As a matter of fact, no free shows! From here on out, every event is pay per view!
Tsarmina nods her head in agreement.
Horatio Q: More money... more violence... more everything, am I right?!
Laughing, he overhears a knock on his door.
Horatio Q: Yes, who is it?
It's Mike Phantasy. He's holding a chair and seems to be standing quite calmly.
Mike Phantasy: I come bearing a message from Corey Page.
Horatio Q: Oh, what does that fool want?
Mike Phantasy: He wanted me to tell you...
POW!
Mike swings the steel chair at Horatio Q., knocking him senseless! A screech is emitted by Tsarmina, who flings her cat through the air, watching in horror as Horatio falls to the ground.
Mike Phantasy: He also wanted me to tell you "Happy Halloween".
He looks at Tsarmina Bloodmoon.
Mike Phantasy: And for you to put your dick back in your pants.
Message delivered. Corey Page will not let Horatio Q. involuntarily destroy what he created. Tsarmina looks horrified as the Sin Wrestling logo briefly appears on screen and then fades out.